August 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Josh Duggar, the disgraced star of the cancelled reality show “19 Kids and Counting,” checked himself into rehab. And, if you thought having 19 kids was scary, it’s even worse when you’re seeing double.

2. On Tuesday, while visiting a museum, a 12-year-old boy in Taiwan accidentally tripped and punched a hole in a 17th century painting worth $1.5 million. Said the boy, “And if the Mona Lisa doesn’t wipe that smirk off her face, she’s next.”

3. On Wednesday, Burger King suggested to McDonald’s that the two fast-food chains come together to make ‘The McWhopper.’ The companies reportedly got the idea to combine their food after watching “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”

4. Yesterday, presidential candidate Donald Trump told NBC’s Matt Lauer that he’s “not a bully.” And I tend to side with Trump, because, from the looks of it, he was the one who got the swirly.

5. On Wednesday, President Obama welcomed the 2014 WNBA champion Phoenix Mercury to Washington D.C. There haven’t been that many lesbians in the White House since Bill Clinton was in office.

6. Yesterday, the 2014 WNBA champion Phoenix Mercury visited President Obama at the White House. And, in related news, presidential candidate Lincoln Chaffee has started practicing his jump-shot, as he now has a new, more realistic plan to get to the White House.

7. On Sunday, rapper Wiz Khalifa was arrested at LAX for riding a hoverboard. Thus concluding our weekly feature, news stories most likely to confuse your grandma.

8. Britain’s National Health Service recently approved a trial for dogs capable of sniffing out prostate cancer. And you thought the test was invasive before, but, at least the dogs have wet noses.

9. According to a new study, people around the world are living longer than ever before. “Yeah, I noticed,” said Prince Charles.

10. On Tuesday, a Miami couple got married underwater off the coast of Florida’s Key Largo. Unfortunately, the best man held his breath too long and lost consciousness, but, on the plus-side, he counted as the couple’s ‘something blue.’

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