August 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A message in a bottle that is over 100 years old washed up on a German beach this week. Unfortunately, the message read, “Send help ASAP.”

2. In a recent interview, actress Mayim Bialik said that “it’s never going to be trendy to be observant or religious in Hollywood.” Unless, of course, the cult you joined that gets publicity by blackmailing closeted, gay actors somehow tricks the federal government into recognizing them as a religion.

3. Polish hammer thrower Pawel Fajdek used the gold medal he won at the World Championships over the weekend to pay for a taxi ride. He wanted to use an Uber, but it was peak hours and his gold medal wasn’t enough to cover the fair.

4. According to a new poll, Republican Jeb Bush’s support is slipping in the race of the party’s presidential nomination. Begging the question, can his dad afford to buy two elections?

5. On Tuesday, a U.S. Appeals Court ruled against a New Jersey law that would have legalized sports betting in the state. So now, the best way to lose money on sports in New Jersey is to buy Jets season tickets.

6. Actress Julianne Moore is heading a petition drive to rename the high school she attended in Virginia, J.E.B. Stuart High School, which honors a Confederate general. Which seems noble until you hear that she wants to rename it Julianne Moore High School.

7. The Napa Valley Wine Train apologized to members of a book club who were upset when they were booted from the luxury rail car for disturbing passengers with their laughter. So maybe reach out to your aunt to see how she’s doing today.

8. According to a new study, the arrest rate for the general U.S. population was nearly twice that of NFL players from 2000 to 2013. Also beating the national arrest rate, every other private business in the country. Congratulations on your meaningless accomplishment, NFL.

9. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson on Sunday said he would endorse Democrat Hillary Clinton in her bid to win the November 2016 presidential election, calling her the best candidate in the running. Unsurprisingly, presidential candidate Donald Trump was angry to hear that there’s also a ‘new’ Mexico.

10. According to a new study, hairdressers who reuse gloves while dying hair risk exposure to chemicals that cause irritation and allergic reactions. Although, if you’re a hairdresser who has to reuse a 50 cent pair of latex gloves, I’m guessing things weren’t going great for you to begin with.

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