August 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The internet was abuzz yesterday after the Star Wars Instagram account shared a photo of Stormtrooper Finn wielding a lightsaber which could mean he will battle the Sith lord Kylo Ren. And, in related news, after writing that sentence, I gave myself a wedgie.

2. Germany’s justice minister has accused Facebook of doing too little to thwart racist posts and hateful comments on the social media platform. Because, apparently, Germany doesn’t have a word for ‘irony.’

3. A former high-ranking soccer official charged with soliciting bribes, including $500,000 that allegedly went to build a swimming pool at his house, wants to stay at that house while awaiting trial. Said the former official, “If I don’t stay there, who will feed caviar to my two endangered albino alligators? Surely not Jeeves, he already has his hands full dusting my collection of Faberge eggs.”

4. The piano used to record ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” will go on auction next month at Sotheby’s where it is expected to fetch over $1 million. So, if you like ABBA, and you have $1 million to spare, you’re not a member of ABBA.

5. Child movie star Shirley Temple’s costumes, scripts and a dress she wore to the Oscars will be put up for auction. “Do you guys accepts bids in Subway points?” said Jared.

6. According to market research, Apple, which launched the Apple Watch in June, is within striking distance of leader Fitbit in the wearable devices market. But, if I know Fitbit users, they’ll put up a good fight and then, two days later, completely lose interest.

7. While speaking at a rally in South Carolina on Thursday, presidential candidate Donald Trump invited a woman on stage to feel and confirm that his hair is real. Thus making it really easy for that woman’s therapist to pinpoint exactly when the nightmares began.

8. Planned Parenthood told congressional leaders that manipulations and deletions used in the editing process of secretly recorded videos slamming the organization rendered the tapes unreliable. And there is something ironic about Planned Parenthood complaining about deletions.

9. This week, eight lions, a puma, two bobcats and a coyote, rescued from circuses in Mexico, arrived safely at their new home at a wildlife refuge center in Colorado. But, for some reason, the donkey was perfectly happy in Mexico and refused to leave.

10. A Justin Bieber look-a-like, who spent over $100,000 to resemble the pop star, was found dead this week. That’s terrible, why did that sentence have to contain the word ‘look-a-like?’

11. A new study of a pair of twins found that they had similar brain volumes even when one used recreational marijuana and the other didn’t. Although, the one twin who used pot did have a significantly higher volume of friends.

12. A California man who picked up a rattlesnake to pose for a photograph was hurt when the reptile bit him in the hand. Said the man, “If only there was some kind of warning.”

13. Yesterday, authorities arrested the CEO of Rentboy.com for promoting prostitution through what prosecutors described as the largest online male escort service. Although, I gotta believe the skills of the former CEO of Rentboy.com will be in high demand in prison.

14. Ben Carson says he wouldn’t use drones to kill undocumented immigrants, but he’d order strikes on the caves used to transport people across the United States’ southern border. Because apparently it takes more than a brain surgeon to understand that there are undocumented immigrants in those caves.

15. Major League Baseball and the players’ union have unveiled a new policy on domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse under which players can be banned even if they are not convicted of a crime. “Coming up with a policy beforehand, that’s a novel approach,” said the NFL.

16. Several major Hollywood studios failed to persuade a federal judge to dismiss a antitrust lawsuit accusing them of illegally conspiring not to poach each others’ animators, to help drive down wages. The salaries are so low in animation that Woody and Buzz have been living together in the same box for years.

17. Hundreds of bare-breasted women converged on a popular New Hampshire beach on Sunday to push for greater acceptance of topless sunbathing. Well, at least it was popular that Sunday.

18. This week, Donald Trump said his favorite book is the Bible. I’m guessing he skimmed the part about turning the other cheek.

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