November 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. An Australian morning TV show anchor wore the same suit every day for a year, sometimes going weeks between cleanings. Said his co-anchor, “I still prefer this to sitting next to Matt Lauer.”

2. The California Department of Corrections said that Charles Manson has been granted a marriage license and will be allowed to wed while in prison. So I’m no longer scared of Charles Manson, but I am now petrified of the person who agreed to marry Charles Manson.

3. According to a new study, merely recommending a calorie-counting app to overweight people and giving them access to it on their phones does not lead to weight loss. Mainly, because their fingers are too fat to operate the app.

4. On Monday, Boston Marathon champion Meb Keflezighi and Diamond League winner Jenny Simpson were named U.S. athletes of the year. Either that or the guy who made the announcement said Jenny’s name and then sneezed.

5. A 30-year Harlem resident who suffers from incontinence has been evicted from his apartment by a New York City judge who said the stench of his urine jeopardized the safety of other tenants. And yet, the F-train is still allowed to operate on a daily basis.

6. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. Quick, everyone, hide the porn.

7. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. He will be traveling to Philadelphia, the city that booed the Easter Bunny and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs. So I guess what I’m saying is, bring the Popemobile.

8. Last week, Paris Hilton won women’s newcomer of the year at an awards ceremony for DJs. So I’m sorry to the, I’m guessing, zero other nominees.

9. The company that makes Botox was recently sold for $6 billion. The former owner was happy with the sale price, at least I think he was, it was really hard to tell.

10. Yesterday, Time Magazine apologized to women for suggesting a ban on the word “feminist.” Said Time Magazine, “We’re sorry, we didn’t realize anyone was still reading Time Magazine.”

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