November 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, Beyonce’s younger sister, Solange Knowles, got married. Solange wore a dress by designer Stephanie Rolland, while Jay-Z wore a suit of armor.

2. 80-year-old Charles Manson is set to wed his 26-year-old girlfriend. That’s ridiculous, he’s old enough to have murdered her grandfather.

3. Dwayne Gratz, a cornerback for the Jacksonville Jaguars, was arrested early Sunday morning for disorderly intoxication and trespassing after trying to pay for items at a store with bubble gum. But, in Gratz’s defense, that is how the Jaguars pay him.

4. Yesterday, following his child abuse hearing, the NFL suspended Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson for the remainder of the season, a ruling that Peterson said he would appeal for being too harsh. “I didn’t realize he knew the phrase ‘a punishment too harsh.’” said his son.

5. On Tuesday, the U.N. voted in favor of a draft resolution referring North Korea to the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity for rampant human rights abuses. So, problem solved.

6. Yesterday, Ireland beat the United States in soccer 4-1. Or, as Irish fans saw it, 44-11.

7. The Oscar won by the late James Cagney for the 1942 musical “Yankee Doodle Dandy” is expected to fetch at least $800,000 on Thursday at auction in Los Angeles. The value of the golden statue would have been much higher but then Adrian Brody won one.

8. An Idaho teacher is facing disciplinary action after she killed and skinned a rabbit in front of her biology class. Said the teacher, “Now, are there anymore questions about who can eat from this box of Trix?”

9. Authorities in Georgia are investigating child abuse allegations against NBA superstar Dwight Howard. But, on the plus-side, it’s good see an NBA player spending time with his kids.

10. A 1914 watercolor by Adolf Hitler is set to hit the auction block this Saturday. It is perfect for the art collector who missed out on Mussolini’s finger-paintings.

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