October 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, singer Taylor Swift released her highly-anticipated new album entitled “1989.” She chose the name because she was born in 1989 and it’s a great reminder how little you’ve accomplished in you’re own life.

2. An Instagram photo surfaced over the weekend of a child wearing a Ray Rice costume and dragging a doll around by the hair at a Halloween parade. Even worse, his brother, who was dressed as Ravens teammate Ray Lewis, kept claiming he “didn’t see nothing.”

3. According to reports, actress Jennifer Lawrence just bought a Beverly Hills home previously owned by singer Jessica Simpson. And, in unrelated news, Nick Lachey just moved into an apartment with Joey Lawrence.

4. Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Dallas, but has been given a clean bill of health, met with and hugged President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office. So let that be a lesson to all those people who tried to hop the White House fence, just get Ebola and they’ll let you right in.

5. On Monday, Toronto voters replaced their notorious mayor, Rob Ford, and rejected an attempt by his brother to take the city’s top job, electing instead a conservative politician. Which is great news for the people of Toronto and terrible news for joke writers everywhere.

6. Under an ordinance signed on Monday by Mayor Ed Lee, San Franciscans who temporarily rent their homes out must begin paying hotel taxes. “Define ‘temporary,’” said Uncles Joey and Jesse.

7. On Monday, New Jersey released a Maine nurse ordered into involuntary quarantine after treating Ebola patients in Sierra Leone. Said the nurse, “I was in Ebola-stricken, West Africa for over a month, and that still doesn’t compare to being stuck in New Jersey for three days.”

8. A 5-year-old boy who recently visited West Africa tested negative for the Ebola virus on Monday in New York City. But, just to be safe, Angelina Jolie is holding off no the adoption.

9. Madison Square Garden Co., which owns the New York Knicks, said on Monday it is considering a plan to separate into two companies. This is one of those rare cases where the divorce is the child’s fault.

10. Walmart has come under fire for a section on its website they labeled “Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.” Which kinda seems redundant for Walmart customers.

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