October 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. It is being reported that Honey Boo Boo’s mom, Mama June, is dating a convicted child molestor. Man, that dad from “7th Heaven” will do just about to get back on TV.

2. On Friday, TLC canceled its popular reality series “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” So now the next time someone says “here comes Honey Boo Boo” it will probably by a DJ at a strip club.

3. British troops ended their combat operations in Afghanistan on Sunday as they and U.S. Marines handed over to the Afghan military two huge adjacent bases. Or, as they will be known in a week, ISIS headquarters.

4. On Friday, former interns for Saturday Night Live, who filed a class action lawsuit, reached a $6.4 million out-of-court settlement with NBC Universal. Said CBS interns, “Wait, we got molested by Letterman and they get millions?”

5. On Thursday, prisoners in a California jail who have participated in a two month-long acting workshop put on a performance for U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. Said Holder, “It was a nice change of pace to be entertained by convicted felons outside of a football field.

6. Italian lawmakers have put forward a proposal for free Wi-Fi in thousands of public spaces throughout the country. In response, AT&T plans to build out its Italian infrastructure, which means soon Pisa won’t be the only poorly constructed tower.

7. According to a new study, psychological cruelty to children from parents can cause as much, or even more, emotional damage then physical abuse. Said Joe Jackson, “Why’s it got to be an either/or type of thing?”

8. A Florida man shot and killed a 400-pound black bear after it broke into his house two nights in a row to get to a bag of dog food. “But it was a BLACK bear, right?” said Al Sharpton, boarding a plane to Florida.

9. On Friday, health officials said the doctor being treated for Ebola in a New York City hospital is awake and talking to family and friends on a cell phone. Said family and friends, “I think you have the wrong number.”

10. A bakery in Texas has created a new desert that is a pumpkin pie inside a pumpkin-spiced cake on top of a pecan pie inside a chocolate cake all toped with an apple pie inside a cake. It’s a great way to celebrate your last birthday.

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