October 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, reality star Kim Kardashian said she loves her BlackBerry and doesn’t understand the fuss surrounding other smartphones. Although, I think she may change her tune once Apple comes out with its new Black iPhone.

2. Households across the U.S. this Halloween are displaying hand-painted, teal-colored pumpkins on their porches to signal that it’s safe for children with food allergies to trick or treat there. That, of they’re really lazy and haven’t thrown away their pumpkin from last year.

3. Yesterday Pope Francis said that evolution and creationism do not necessarily contradict each other. Adding, “Justin Bieber must have evolved because God would never create such a douchebag.”

4. Over the weekend, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un visited an orphanage. Jong Un is interested in adoption because apparently he’s running out of family members to kill.

5. A White House official disclosed on Tuesday that suspicious cyber activity has been detected on the computer network used by the White House and measures have been taken to address it. Said President Obama, “I gotta remember to clear my history.”

6. YouTube, the popular online video service, is planning to offer a paid, ad-free version of its website. It’s perfect for the person who can’t wait five seconds to see cats videos.

7. Dominican officials say that they arrested a woman trying to smuggle over $69,000 in a briefcase and more than $70,000 in her stomach. Which means soon the new Ford Thunderbird won’t be the only $70,000 piece of shit.

8. A Florida man who was arrested at a Halloween party in 2012 for assaulting a drag queen with a tiki torch while dressed in a KKK robe, is now running for mayor of his town. Even worse, he didn’t know it was a costume party.

9. A British man who has spent a total of seven years in jail for going naked in public, lost his legal battle to wear no clothes on Tuesday as Europe’s human rights court told him he must respect the feelings of others. Specifically, his cellmate’s.

10. Three days after Hillary Clinton said that businesses don’t create jobs, she was forced to clarify what she meant. Said Hillary, “I believe individuals, like my husband Bill, create jobs. In fact, he was always up for having a job done to him.”

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