April 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said not to conflate her father’s lack of public denouncements of certain events with silence. Which I’m pretty sure was how he signed every belated birthday card to Eric.

2. This week marks the 100th anniversary of the U.S.’s declaration of war against Germany in World War I. So, safe to say, I’m very nervous to see how President Trump decides to commemorate it.

3. According to “Page Six,” Donald Trump Jr. may run for Governor of New York saying while campaigning for his father “the politics bug” bit him. As for Eric, I’m guessing it was a bat that bit him:

4. Yesterday, legendary comedian Don Rickles died at the age of 90. Which should serve as a reminder to everyone not to wait until it’s too late to tell a loved one they’re a dummy.

5. This week, Maori Tezuka, Japan’s oldest porn star, said she is retiring at the age of 80. She’s so old, she remembers when a money shot only cost a nickel.

6. Contestants on a reality television series emerged last week after 12 months in the Scottish wilderness only to learn that the show stopped broadcasting after four episodes. Said Bill, “I still stand by our decision to eat Chuck.”

7. According to the BBC, a coach for British Canoeing was suspended in December after a formal complaint was lodged against him. I can only assume the complaint was “why the fuck are we canoeing?”

8. This week, President Trump announced he “is working very, very hard” on peace between Israel and Palestine. He said it’s a really tough situation so he isn’t sure if he should assign it to Tiffany or Omarosa.

9. The NFL and Amazon have reached an agreement to let Amazon Prime users stream Thursday night football games during the upcoming football season. According to Amazon, people who watched the Cleveland Browns also bought a chair and a noose.

10. A group of high school journalists recently caused their new principal to resign after they published an expose revealing her credentials for the job were fake. “The key to avoiding that is not having any credentials for the job,” said President Trump.

11. According to a new report, chief strategist Steve Bannon has called senior advisor Jared Kushner a ‘cuck’ and a ‘globalist’ behind his back. But, in Bannon’s defense, those are still two of the nicer names he’s ever called a Jew.

12. According to experts, people shouldn’t walk on escalators. A report apparently read by everyone who has ever gotten on an escalator in front of me.

13. Senator John McCain has sparked a war of words with North Korea after describing its dictator Kim Jong-un as a “crazy fat kid” in a recent interview. Not to be confused with our current leader who is not a kid.

14. New Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke is letting all employees bring their dogs to the office. Not to be outdone, Paul Ryan will teach them all how to roll over.

15. In a recent interview, British actress Emma Thompson said she turned down President Donald Trump years ago when he called her out of the blue and asked her on a date. Although, Thompson and Donald’s wife Melania do have something in common, neither of them currently live in the White House.

16. Adam Sandler has extended his deal with Netflix, agreeing to make four more films for the streaming service. Said Netflix, “If this doesn’t stop people from wanting to steal their ex’s passwords, we’re really out of ideas.”

17. As mobile phone use grows in India, more young men are calling women at random, hoping to strike up a relationship. “Piece of advice, you don’t really even need to call,” said Anthony Weiner.

18. Popular Japanese fashion chain Uniqlo said it will leave the U.S. if President Trump insists that they make all of their clothes in America. Although I don’t think the threat will make much of a difference to Trump since Uniqlo doesn’t carry anything above a men’s XXL.

19. A man in China won over 15,000 stuffed animals from claw machines last year. Although the hard part was fitting them all in his unmarked white van.

20. A new report has revealed that women are actually more likely to watch porn on their mobile phones than men. That story again, your girlfriend’s cell phone is always on vibrate mode for a reason.

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