April 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. An Arkansas man is recovering after accidentally shooting himself in his testicle over the weekend. Or, as Gloria Steinem refers to it, target practice.

2. A woman who sued a luxury Scottish golf resort founded by President Trump for breaching her privacy by photographing her urinating on the course, lost her case on Wednesday. Which is weird, because, you’d think if there was one person in the world who could sympathize with someone being secretly taped while they peed it would be Trump.

3. Yesterday, Amazon announced that it will be opening two brick-and-mortar bookstores in New York City. It’s perfect for anyone who enjoys shopping for books on Amazon.com but always wished it smelled more like urine.

4. Democratic Senator Jeff Merkley delivered a 15-1/2-hour, all-night speech denouncing President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee on Wednesday. To put that in perspective, in that amount of time you could play four rounds of golf, fly nonstop from New York to Los Angeles or watch half of a Judd Apatow movie.

5. Just in time for summer, there is a pool floatie for sale in the shape of Kim Kardashian’s butt. But, be careful, three men have already died from exhaustion trying to inflate it.

6. Yesterday, singer Barry Manilow officially came out as gay. Begging the question, was the name of that song “Mandy” or “Man D”?

7. Yesterday, singer Barry Manilow officially came out as gay. Unfortunately, Manilow was outed 20 years ago by his everything.

8. On Wednesday, White House chief strategist Steve Bannon was removed from the National Security Council. Now we just wait for the biopsy to come back to see if he’s malignant.

9. President Donald Trump removed his chief strategist Steve Bannon from the National Security Council on Wednesday. So now they just have to decide what to do with his empty chair:

10. A New Jersey man was arrested over the weekend after allegedly stealing $20,000 worth of soda from a local ShopRite. “This is definitely the most important soda-related news item this week! Everyone should focus on this!” said Pepsi execs.

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