January 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Utah state senator Todd Weiler introduced a bill last week that would allow people to sue the pornography industry for emotional and psychological damage. “What about physical damage?” said a Utah man with carpal tunnel.

2. ECommerce giant Amazon has filed a patent for airborne warehouse blimps that use drones to deliver packages. Although, word of advice, maybe don’t stock Samsung phones there:
hindenburg

3. Last week, a Pennsylvania woman drove her SUV into the Susquehanna River after fleeing police following her failure to yield to a stop sign and proceeded to drink a beer while sitting in her sinking car. I don’t know the woman’s first name, but I’m willing to bet her last name is Kennedy.

4. According to new research, women who have a lot of sex have better memories. Counterpoint, every Bill Cosby victim.

5. Last week, a Taiwan politician’s funeral procession included 50 pole dancers. Safe to say the deceased wasn’t the only stiff in the room that day.

6. According to CNN, conservative author and television personality Monica Crowley, whom Donald Trump has tapped for a role in his cabinet, plagiarized large sections of her 2012 book. But don’t worry, her new cabinet role is Melania’s speech writer.

7. Tilikum, the orca who killed several people and was featured in the documentary “Blackfish,” died on Friday at SeaWorld in Florida. So good luck to whichever employee has to flush that sucker down the toilet.

8. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie and Sarah Palin are all top candidates to be Donald Trump’s ambassador to Canada. President-elect Trump, I think I speak for everyone, when I say, we’re fine if you send them all there.

9. Scientists have observed spiders giving oral sex. Turns out, Little Miss Muffet was just a real prude.

10. On Friday, President-elect Donald Trump called out Arnold Schwarzenegger for failing to match the ratings he received when he was the host of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” Hey Don, you may want to cool it on the comparison of ratings between the old guy and the new guy:
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