1. Over the holidays, a judge in Britain ruled that dogs should not be treated like children. “Oh, thank god,” said Casey Anthony’s schnauzer.
2. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Said his father, “Well that explains why we’re always out of peanut butter.”
3. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic Dream Team being built. Which sadly means only one member of the Trump’s cabinet has AIDs.
4. Robert Leo Hulseman, the inventor of the iconic red plastic Solo cup, widely used to play beer pong, died last week at the age of 84. He is survived by whoever called ‘next.’
5. NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. wed his longtime girlfriend Saturday, with fellow driver Danica Patrick reportedly catching the bouquet. So, for once, being well behind the pack, actually paid of for Danica.
6. A organization in favor of legalizing marijuana will be giving out free joints to protestors on Inauguration Day. So when they chant “What do we want?” and “When do we want it?” they will be sincerely asking because they don’t remember.
7. A Catholic priest in Italy is under investigation for allegedly organizing orgies in his church’s rectory and acting as a pimp for up to 15 women. Authorities became suspicious when the priest’s typical response to “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” was “That ain’t nothing.”
8. Pop star Janet Jackson gave birth on Tuesday to her first child, a boy, at the age of 50. The newborn has his mother’s eyes, his father’s smile and, it’s a good bet, at least one of Michael’s noses.
9. According to new data, a toddler has now shot a person every week in America for two years straight. As a result, President-elect Donald Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of all hospital labor units until we can figure out what is going on.
10. A Georgia man was arrested last week after authorities said he hit his girlfriend with a workbook from his anger management class. Said the man, “I was skeptical that this workbook would help, but I do feel a lot better now.”