1. According to a new study, women are as obsessed with breasts as men. Which means 100% of the population have no idea what color Kate Upton’s eyes are.
2. The movie “Southside With You,” which tells the story of Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date in Chicago in 1989, opened over the weekend. It’s rated R, so it sounds like it’s also Malia’s origin story.
3. The movie “Southside With You,” which tells the story of Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date in Chicago in 1989, opened over the weekend. Which isn’t a new idea, they made a movie about Donald and Melania Trump’s first date years ago:
4. A scientist in the U.K. predicted that people will be having sex with robots by the year 2050. Which means, in the future, a toaster will be less of a wedding present and more of a wedding date.
5. A new study suggests that the right mood music can influence how well people work together. Which explains why the Spice Girls broke up.
6. Newly drafted legislation may force mothers in Germany to reveal the men they’ve slept with in paternity cases. Unsurprisingly, the bill was introduced by Chancellor Maury Povich.
7. Yesterday, a Pennsylvania man was arrested for having sex with a miniature horse. But, in his defense, it did make his dick look huge.
8. Wildlife officials in Zimbabwe have begun dehorning the country’s adult rhinos to curb poaching. “Yeah, that’s how it starts,” said unicorns.
9. Yesterday it was announced that rapper Vanilla Ice, former Texas Governor Rick Perry and swimmer Ryan Lochte will star in the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So next month’s MENSA meeting is gonna be pretty empty.
10. On Monday, former Senator Anthony Weiner was caught sexting for the third time and on Tuesday, singer Chris Brown was arrested for pulling a gun on a woman during a dispute. “So, I guess i didn’t miss much,” said patients waking up from four year comas.