September 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Disgraced former-Senator Anthony Weiner reportedly bragged about using his kid as a chick magnet. And he can continue to do so every other weekend.

2. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Tuesday night called Democrats the “party of slavery.” Then he ordered Chris Christie to bring his car around.

3. The manager of South Korea’s national swimming team has resigned after allegedly installing hidden cameras in the locker room to take pictures of female athletes. Authorities became suspicious when the manager said he was “going to work on his breaststroke” and then walked into his office and closed the door.

4. A teacher in Oklahoma showed up to her elementary school drunk and not wearing any pants. Or, as Jerry Sandusky refers to it, overdressed.

5. On Tuesday, India held a beauty pageant for visual impaired girls. And, once a winner was crowned, they sang that famous tune, “There she is, Miss … no, there she is … over there? Where is she? Help me out a little for God’s sake, I’m blind, where the fuck is she?”

6. New FIFA president Gianni Infantino will be paid a yearly salary of $1.5 million, less than a quarter of that received by his predecessor Sepp Blatter. Said Blatter, “Don’t worry, there are ways to make up that difference.”

7. In a shocking turn of events, a grandfather in Mexico was found alive two months after his family had him cremated. So, needless to say, there are gonna be some major changes to that will.

8. Yesterday, during Donald Trump’s visit to Mexico, Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto said, “I don’t think that commerce must be a zero sum game, so that only one wins and the other one loses.” Or, as Trump called it, “loser talk.”

9. On Wednesday, North Korea executed its top education official by firing squad. A tough day for that education official, but he had to take some pride in the fact that the firing squad was able to shoot him on the count of three.

10. The United States said it would welcome its 10,000th Syrian refugee of this fiscal year on Monday, meeting Barack Obama’s target more than a month ahead of schedule. Now comes the hard part, Hillary getting them all registered to vote before the election.

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