August 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday was Republican Senator John McCain’s 80th birthday. McCain closed his eyes, made a wish, blew out his candles and was disappointed when he opened his eyes to see that Trump was still running for president.

2. Huma Abedin announced Monday that she and her husband Anthony Weiner are separating after new repots surfaced that he sent sexually suggestive photos again. Under the terms of the break-up, she will get the house and the car and he will get all their unused anytime minutes.

3. Apple is being sued by owners of iPhone 6’s who say a design defect caused the phones’ touchscreen to become unresponsive and rendering it impossible to send or receive messages. Although, in some cases, maybe that’s for the best:
weiner

4. On Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. When asked what it was like to meet with someone who has such influence over people’s day-to-day lives, the Pope said, “It was nice.”

5. After undergoing an ultrasound, a pregnant woman in Florida received an image that made it look like she is pregnant with a bunny. Said the expected-mother to her OBGYN, “What’s up, Doc?”

6. Over the weekend, rival Los Angeles gangs the Crips and the Bloods reached an historic peace agreement. In, what I assume, was the most complicated handshake ever.

7. A video of a man having sex with a McChicken sandwich has gone viral. But, if you have a better way of making Chicken McNuggets, I’d love to hear it.

8. Mark David Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon, was denied parole for the ninth time on Sunday. So, for the time being, it looks like we’re stuck with Yoko.

9. Comedic actor Gene Wilder, star of “Charlie and Chocolate Factory,” died on Monday at the age of 83. Wilder is survived by his wife, his daughter and one very angry Oompa Loompa:
orange trump

10. Last week, a freak lightning storm killed 323 reindeers in the mountains of Norway. “That’ll teach ‘em to call me names,” said Rudolph.

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