December 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. United States officials said on Monday, the U.S. helped a Cuban spy imprisoned in California, artificially inseminate his wife back in Cuba. Said his wife, “Yeah, that’s how I got pregnant.”

2. A live version of the controversial film “The interview” will be staged on December 27th at a small 50-seat theater in midtown Manhattan. Or, as it will be known on December 28th, a smoldering crater.

3. Congressman Michael Grimm of New York is expected to plead guilty today to resolve federal tax fraud charges against him. Whereupon he will be promoted to Congressman Michael Grimm of New Jersey.

4. North Korea, at the center of a cyber confrontation with the U.S., is now experiencing widespread internet outages. I don’t know what’s more surprising, that the U.S. has the ability to affect the internet in North Korea or that there’s internet in North Korea.

5. A recent study found that eating fast found may lead to lower student test scores in math, science and reading, which ironically leads to a higher amount of students working at fast food restaurants.

6. A recent study found that eating fast found may lead to lower student test scores in math, science and reading. The study was conducted literally anywhere in the U.S., but most likely the South.

7. Protestors got close enough to Charles Michel, Belgium’s Prime Minister, on Monday to splatter him with the national dish of fries and gravy. And, in unrelated news, Chris Christie has officially declared his intentions to run for primer minister of Belgium.

8. The IRS is set to auction off the remaining value the New York Mets owe Daryl Strawberry on a six-year contract he signed almost 30 years ago, but failed to pay taxes on. Bidders may be able to get the remaining $1.28 million at a discount, but, on the down side, you’ll technically be on the Mets’ payroll.

9. According to reports, the U.S. has asked China to help battle North Korea’s hacking of American information systems. Said China, “No problem, first we’re gonna need all your passwords.”

10. It has been reported that Kanye West spent $74,000 on Christmas gifts for his daughter North West. Finally answering the question, how many pictures of Kanye West can you buy for $74,000?

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