December 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Comedian Adam Sandler topped Forbes’ list of Hollywood’s most overpaid actors for the second consecutive year. Luckily there’s still a lot of room on his trophy case for the award.

2. According to People magazine, director Tim Burton and actress Helena Bonham Carter have separated after 13 years together. No word on who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

3. In yet another reversal, Sony Pictures has decided to release the controversial film “The Interview” on Christmas Day, despite threats of reprisals from hackers. Said Sony, “We’re betting that people will rather spend their holiday weekend risking their lives to see a raunchy comedy in a theater than actually spend time with their families.”

4. For the first time since detailed records began being kept in 1992, undocumented immigrants from Central America outnumbered undocumented immigrants from Mexico. I don’t want to be picky here, but if we’re keeping detailed records, wouldn’t they be documented immigrants?

5. A Chinese man who stole hundreds of pieces of ladies’ underwear had his secret exposed after a drop ceiling where he had been storing his hoard collapsed. The most surprising part of that story is that a man in China could reach the ceiling.

6. On Tuesday, security forces in Honduras seized 2,852 wood sticks stuffed with cocaine paste in the Caribbean port of Puerto Cortes. Police became suspicious when the man was traveling with 2,852 wooden sticks.

7. A new survey indicates about a third of 15-year-olds in the United Kingdom have blacked out due to alcohol, a rate that rises to nearly three-quarters by the time they reach 19. Although the number is expected to decline since Britain is not included in Bill Cosby’s upcoming tour.

8. According to a FIFA official, England’s failed bid to host the 2018 World Cup “was by far the strongest contender.” But what’s more representative of British soccer than losing something they should have won?

9. According to a new report, more than half of food tested by the U.S. government for pesticide residue last year showed detectable levels of pesticides, but most were within levels the government considers to be non-harmful. Although, just to be safe, you should probably avoid Agent Orange Juice.

10. A newly released video shows the now-wife of NFL player Ray Rice being lovingly nuzzled by Rice shortly after he knocked her out cold in a casino elevator. Or, as it is known in boxing, a rope-a-dope.

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