December 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to sources, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told teams that are possible relocation candidates like the San Diego Chargers, Oakland Raiders and St. Louis Rams that a professional football team will not move to Los Angeles next season. Which also means that there won’t be professional football in Oakland next season as well.

2. Over the weekend, Elton John married his long time partner David Furnish in a ceremony that can only be described as a Republican’s nightmare.

3. Russian President Vladimir Putin said it is too early to decide whether he’ll run for re-election in 2018. Adding, “If everything goes according to plan, there won’t even be elections by then.”

4. Yesterday, Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston was cleared in a student conduct code hearing looking into whether he sexually assaulted a female student two years ago. The committee made its decision once they realized there were still more football games to be played.

5. While giving a year-end news conference on Sunday, President Obama decided to only take questions from female reporters. Or, as it is more commonly known around those parts, pulling a Clinton.

6. The White House on Friday released a draft of its plan to rate U.S. colleges and tie federal aid to performance as a way to coax institutions into improving. And, in what can only be described as a bad sign, no one at the Arizona State University was able to read it.

7. Google is laying the groundwork for a version of Android that would be built directly into vehicles and allow drivers to enjoy the internet on the road. Bringing us ever closer to Google’s dream of us all dying in fiery car crashes.

8. Sony Pictures said on Friday that it is looking for alternative ways to release “The Interview” after it’s Christmas Day opening was canceled. May I suggest releasing it with intentionally inaccurate Korean subtitles.

9. During a speech on North Korea’s hacking of Sony Pictures, President Obama accidentally called James Franco, one of the stars of “The Interview,” James Flacco. Said an obviously stoned Seth Rogen, “Shit, I’ve been calling him the wrong name this whole time.”

10. According to leaked emails of executives of Sony Pictures, the comedy on “The Interview” is “desperately unfunny” and would have flopped overseas if it had not been canceled. Begging the question, why are you idiots still writing emails?

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