October 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Renee Zellweger is causing a stir after showing up on the red carpet of an event almost unrecognizable, leading many to speculate about the work she has had done to her face. Critics are calling her a sad example of what Hollywood can do to a person, while Bruce Jenner is calling her for her doctor’s number.

2. According to Domino’s latest earnings report, profits are up 16% and the company added 160 stores in the last quarter alone. “You’re welcome,” said Washington and Colorado.

3. In a recent interview, Senator Elizabeth Warren said she has been treated differently as a woman in the upper chamber of Congress. Said her fellow-Senators, “I’d like to get a look at her upper chamber.”

4. “Track 3” from the Taylor Swift’s new album shot to No. 1 on iTunes in Canada despite the fact that it is just eight seconds of white noise. Or, as it is known in Canada, noise.

5. A nurse at a Los Angeles hospital took a photo of a woman who gouged out her eyes with pencils and now the patient is suing the hospital after the picture went viral online. The patient said the last straw was the nurse continually pointing out the irony that she was being treated in the ICU.

6. Yesterday, the CDC said that anyone flying to the U.S. from Ebola-infected countries will be monitored for three weeks. While all Americans will continue to be monitored by the NSA all the time.

7. Another man jumped over the White House fence Wednesday night, but this time the intruder barely made it onto the lawn before being taken down Secret Service. These people know they give tours of the White House, right?

8. One of the few remaining examples of Apple’s first pre-assembled computer, the Apple-1, sold for $905,000 at auction in New York on Wednesday. The possibility of cashing in on an outdated technology is the only reason I can come up with as to why some people still have Blackberrys.

9. Ebola patient Nina Pham’s dog Bentley has tested negative for the deadly disease. But, just to be safe, officials have requested other dogs stick to just sniffing Bentley’s face.

10. Toys R Us won’t be selling “Breaking Bad” action figures anymore thanks to an online petition that urged the toy store to pull them from their shelves. “Well, it was great working together again, even if it was for a short time,” said the actor from “Low Winter Sun” who now works at Toys R Us.

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