October 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The woman who voted next to President Obama on Monday said she was “embarrassed” after her fiancé jokingly told Barack not to touch his girlfriend. Said the President, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Jay-Z, ‘No deal.’”

2. Master investor Warren Buffett lost $2 billion in two days this week. Meanwhile, I found a five dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans and it made my week.

3. On Tuesday, the Dallas Cowboys cut Michael Sam, the first openly gay professional football player, from its practice squad. “If you still have you’re Cowboy uniform, we’re taking applications,” said the Village People.

4. Personal genetics companies 23andMe and MyHeritage said on Tuesday they would collaborate to enable people to discover their heritage based on genetic ancestry and documented history. Spoiler alert, you owned slaves.

5. On Tuesday, North Korea unexpectedly freed American Jeffrey Fowle from prison. Which is great news, but if it means Dennis Rodman gets another fifteen minutes of attention, I’m not sure it was worth it.

6. The U.S. ratcheted up its safe-guards against Ebola on Tuesday, requiring travelers from the three African countries at the center of the outbreak to fly into one of five major airports conducting enhanced screenings for the virus. Said the travelers who were forced to fly into LaGuardia, “Which plane takes us back to Africa?”

7. Director Darren Aronofsky will be honored by the Humane Society for using computer-generated images instead of animals in this year’s biblical flood epic “Noah.” The Society said it was the humane thing to do to use digital animals and spare real animals the embarrassment of being in that turd of a movie.

8. In a recent interview, actor Matthew McConaughey said he doesn’t think the Washington Redskins should change their name. Although that sentence probably should have ended after the word “think.”

9. According to a new survey, Americans took the least amount of vacation time in almost a decade last year. Although it’s hard to take a vacation when you don’t have a job.

10. Costumes, gowns and jewelry worn by Madonna will be auctioned off in Beverly Hills next month. Said Lady Gaga, “This will make ripping her off that much easier.”

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