October 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, reality star Kim Kardashian said she wants her daughter North West to have a job. Isn’t that always the case, parents wanting their children to accomplish more than they did.

2. DNA from a 45,000-year-old leg bone is giving scientists a better idea of when modern humans first started mating with Neanderthals. Before this discovery, the best evidence that scientists’ had at their disposal were episodes of “Jersey Shore.”

3. Actor Christian Bale has been cast to play Steve Jobs in an upcoming bio-pic penned by Aaron Sorkin. Richard Dreyfuss was reportedly considered for the role of Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, but producers thought it might get too confusing on set if everyone involved in the project was a “Dick.”

4. According to a new study, the blue glow from a television screen suppresses natural mechanisms that help people fall asleep at night, but blocking just the blue wavelengths may restore normal nighttime sleepiness. Said late-night TV watchers, “That’s great news, I’ve had a hard time falling asleep ever since Leno retired.”

5. North Korea will bar entry to foreigners on tourist trips starting today due to fear over the spread of the deadly Ebola virus. Oh, now you’re concerned about catching something? Maybe you should have considered that before you let Dennis Rodman into your country a bunch of times.

6. Two French entrepreneurs have developed a portable device to test for the presence of pork in food for use by Muslims who abide by dietary laws. The way it works is you take a bite and, if it tastes good, it has pork in it.

7. A Belgian chocolate company, which previously had to change its name from Italo Suisse because it had no connection to Italy or Switzerland, is forced to change its name again after renaming itself ISIS. Said the CEO of the company, “Good news guys, it looks like the name Ebola isn’t trademarked.”

8. On Thursday the NFL said it is on track with its plans to field a team in London and could have a franchise there as early as 2022. Well that’s convenient, the Jaguars won’t even have to change their team name.

9. A 22-year-old substitute teacher was arrested and charged after she allegedly performed oral sex on a 17-year-old high school football player during an October 17th pep rally. Said the teacher, “Looking back on it, there may have been a better way to prove that I had spirit.”

10. A high school football coach in South Carolina was fired this week after he permitted a post-game celebratory ritual involving a watermelon that some said was racist. Said the school principal, “That’s not the type of image we want connected to our football team, the Fightin’ Redskins.”

11. Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino, a former cast member of MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” pled not guilty on Thursday to federal tax fraud charges. Sorrentino said he is trying to avoid jail time because the orange jumpsuit would clash with his skin.

12. Another man jumped over the White House fence Wednesday night, but this time the intruder barely made it onto the lawn before being taken down. Unfortunately he was tackled by a man who had hopped the fence twenty minutes earlier and was just hanging out.

13. Punishment for NFL players implicated in domestic violence will not be imposed upon arrest but at some point “farther down the process,” said a key figure charged with overhauling the league’s handling of such cases. Unless, of course, there’s a videotape of it, then all bets are off.

14. The woman who voted next to President Obama on Monday said she was “embarrassed” after her fiancé jokingly told Barack not to touch his girlfriend. Said the President, “I’m the leader of the free world, control the IRS and have the pass codes to every nuclear weapon in the entire country, I can fuck her without even touching her.”

15. Netflix announced Friday that it will team up with actor Leonardo DiCaprio to distribute a documentary film about the quest to save endangered mountain gorillas in the Congo. Vin Diesel is attached to star.

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