August 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Malaysian police have charged two people with the theft of $35,000 from the bank accounts of four passengers who went missing on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Or, as CNN reported it, “Breaking News on the whereabouts of flight 370!”

2. After a three year battle with sinus cancer, yesterday, Hall of Fame Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly received a clean bill of health from his doctors. Said Kelly, “It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it and don’t have to rely on Scott Norwood for anything.”

3. Yesterday, one of the stars of the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team, goalie Tim Howard, announced that he will be taking a break from international competition until the end of 2015. The last time a goaltender took an extended break on a national stage was the Brazilian goaltender during the Germany game.

4. According to sources, Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have ended their three year relationship. Just two cougars back on the prowl.

5. Gun maker Remington announced it is cutting 105 jobs from its workforce in New York. Said the fired employees, “Wait right here while I get something outta my car.”

6. Under a proposal announced Thursday, California will spend $3 million on lawyers for unaccompanied minors arriving in California from Central America. Or, for a few hundred bucks, you could a buy a bunch of one-way train tickets.

7. Former Virginia Governor Robert McDonnell testified on Thursday that he was no longer living with his wife, having moved out of his home and into a church more than a month ago. Said former President Bill Clinton, “A church? Amateur.”

8. U.S. Representative Paul Ryan told a Washington newspaper that he expects his Republican Party to avoid a U.S. government shutdown this year. But even the Mets are forced to lie about their expectations for the next season every April.

9. Scientists say that it’s okay to pee in the ocean because it won’t hurt the sea life. Although, if people find out, it may hurt your land life.

10. Hulk Hogan and David Hasselhoff are set to star in a movie together. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

11. Hulk Hogan and David Hasselhoff are set to star in a movie together. The movie will be shown at all local drive-out theaters.

12. A new study found fewer U.S. teenagers are using sunscreen, increasing their risk for skin cancer. After watching a few episodes of “Jersey Shore,” the same study found, maybe that’s for the best.

13. Actor Keanu Reeves is set to produce and star in an upcoming television series about an assassin who grapples with his own identity. For a second there I got really excited when I saw the words “Keanu Reeves” and “assassin” in the same sentence.

14. According to a report, between 2008 and 2011, 611 “tourists” came to Switzerland to take advantage of the country’s lenient doctor-assisted suicide laws. As opposed to all the other people who came to Switzerland during that period to die of boredom.

15. Siren, a new dating app created by women for women, puts the woman in control of the entire dating process, allowing her to decide who can see her profile, who can communicate with her and what type of date to go on. Or, as it is more commonly known, marriage.

16. California lawmakers sent a bill to ban the sterilization of inmates in California prisons to Governor Jerry Brown for his approval on Tuesday. Bob Barker is not gonna be happy about this.

17. In a recent internet Q&A, Microsoft engineers admitted they had, and currently are, thinking about re-naming their Internet Explorer web browser. The top candidate, “Click Here for Porn.”

18. On Monday, ketchup maker Heinz recalled some infant food in eastern China after it was found to contain lead in excess of the allowable limit. But, on the plus-side, magnetic babies.

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