August 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to newly released data, the median U.S. household income has been on the rise, climbing by 3.8% to $53,891 in June. “That’s great news,” said Americans, “Now I just need to get a household and an income.”

2. Two months after Dov Charney was fired as CEO of American Apparel, he’s still working at the company for his full salary as a consultant. Experts are calling this “disgusting” and “an abuse of power,” while Donald Sterling is calling is “inspiring.”

3. Under a bill passed on Wednesday, birth certificates in California would be changed to reflect families in which parents are of the same sex. Proving that California doesn’t fully understand how making a baby works.

4. Grocery chain Whole Foods will start selling rabbit meat. “That seems much easier,” said Elmer Fudd.

5. Online video personalities are joining together on the issue of net neutrality advocating for equal treatment of internet traffic. And when keyboard cat talks, you listen.

6. Online video personalities are joining together on the issue of net neutrality advocating for equal treatment of internet traffic. Said the advocates, “Picture two internet users, represented here by these two girls. And then picture the internet, represented here by this one cup…”

7. According to Forbes, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL team for the eighth straight year despite the fact that they haven’t been the best at what they do for almost twenty years, are completely self-entitled, delusional and over-valued. Sounds like America’s Team to me.

8. A federal judge has found that a hit 2010 song by pop star Shakira copied a Dominican songwriter’s work. The turning point in the trial came when Shakira’s hips took the stand, they just couldn’t lie.

9. Actor Keanu Reeves is set to produce and star in an upcoming television series about an assassin who grapples with his own identity. No word on what Keanu will do next once that gets cancelled.

10. Actor Keanu Reeves is set to produce and star in an upcoming television series about an assassin who grapples with his own identity. But, to be fair, that’s just because Keanu keeps forgetting his character’s name.

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