10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. After a three year battle with sinus cancer, yesterday, Hall of Fame Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly received a clean bill of health from his doctors. Said Kelly, “It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it and don’t have to rely on Scott Norwood for anything.”

2. According to sources, Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have ended their three year relationship. Just two cougars back on the prowl.

3. Online video personalities are joining together on the issue of net neutrality advocating for equal treatment of internet traffic. Said the advocates, “Picture two internet users, represented here by these two girls. And then picture the internet, represented here by this one cup…”

4. A federal judge has found that a hit 2010 song by pop star Shakira copied a Dominican songwriter’s work. The turning point in the trial came when Shakira’s hips took the stand, they just couldn’t lie.

5. According to a school spokesman, the University of New Mexico has opened an investigation into allegations of hazing in which female soccer players were made to strip down, drink alcohol to excess and sprayed with urine. Even worse, they were forced to watch female soccer matches.

6. Yesterday, Community Health Systems, one of the U.S.’s biggest hospital groups, said it was the victim of a cyber attack from China. Which would explain why my last fortune cookie knew about my rash and the lucky numbers were the digits of my social security number.

7. A new musical based on the life of Cuban-born singer Gloria Estefan will debut on Broadway next year. Or, for free, you can just go to the Bronx.

8. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. Even worse, it was the canary’s first day of retirement after working 30 years in the coal mines.

9. According to a new study, dentists cannot agree as to the most effective way to brush one’s teeth. Four out of five dentists believe a constant, counter-clockwise motion is the best, while the fifth is British.

10. A new study suggests older adults are better able to ignore distractions and perform demanding cognitive tasks in the morning. So you’re telling me that’s the most lucid version of Willard Scott?

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