February 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Playboy said its 2015 decision to stop publishing photos of naked women “was a mistake” and will reintroduce nudity in its next issue. Said the Playboy CEO, “Turns out you assholes were all lying about reading the articles.”

2. A refugee team that competed at the 2016 Rio Olympics was named on Monday as winner of a Laureus Award for sporting inspiration. Although, if you’re inspired by a team of athletes who are no longer welcomed to return home, may I suggest the Atlanta Falcons.

3. Scientists have observed dolphins in Australia using blowfish to get high. Although, technically, that’s Hootie:

hootie

4. Yesterday, Nick Cannon announced that he is leaving NBC’s “America’s Got Talent.” Thus marking the last time you’ll ever hear the words ‘Nick Cannon’ and ‘talent’ in the same sentence.

5. The Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order Monday that banned Valentine’s Day across the country. Now comes the hard part for the panel of three males judges, figuring out when Valentine’s Day is.

6. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, a new app allows you to hear your significant other’s heartbeat under your pillow. That story again, just buy her some flowers instead, you fucking weirdo.

7. In a recent interview, President Trump said he’s pretty sure Barack Obama likes him. Since Trump is so obsessed with voter fraud, he may want to get a recount of that vote too.

8. Frank Ancona, the imperial wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, was found dead on Saturday. These type of things tend to happen in threes, so watch out Jeff Sessions and Steven Bannon.

9. Illinois lawmakers are encouraging the state to be undead-ready by passing a resolution declaring October to be “Zombie Preparedness Month.” And it’s no coincident that November will be “Find New Lawmakers Month.”

10. The oldest living person in America, Adele Dunlap of New Jersey, died on Sunday at the age of 114. She’s in a much better place now, mainly not New Jersey.

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