February 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1.Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and U.S. President Donald Trump are set to meet today in Washington. And, when they stand next to each other for the requisite photo-op, it will look like a before-and-after ad for either the best or worst product in the world.

2. CNN anchor Chris Cuomo said last week, using the term ‘fake news’ towards journalist is equivalent to saying racial slurs like the n-word. Said President Trump, “Well, I’m running out of things to call Don Lemon.”

3. After the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the temporary retraining order against Donald Trump’s recent immigration ban, the president tweeted, “SEE YOU IN COURT.” Which, coincidentally, were also his wedding vows with Ivana, Marla and Melania.

4. A man in Plymouth, Massachusetts, angry at the town’s decision to build a statue of a Shakespeare character, announced plans to build a rival statue across the street of an erect penis. Although, according to the man’s wife, it would be more apt to call it memorial.

5. NBC News is reporting that Russia is considering turning former-NSA employee Edward Snowden over to the U.S. as ‘a gift’ to President Trump. Which is weird, because I was under the impression Russia already gave Trump a pretty big gift:

6. The owner of a trendy Washington-area gym lashed out at Ivanka Trump over Facebook after finding out the president’s eldest daughter used an alias to took her exercise class. Ivanka wanted to be anonymous so she used the name ‘Tiffany Trump.’

7. Actor Richard Gere said on Friday that President Trump has managed to merge the meaning of the words “refugee” and “terrorist” in the minds of many Americans. Trump is also credited with merging the words “daughter” and “wife”:

8. Austrian authorities are investigating reports of a man appearing in public in Adolf Hitler’s birthplace as the Nazi dictator’s double, including the distinctive mustache, haircut and clothing. “So I didn’t just dream that!” said Steve Bannon.

9. Researchers in Austria say dogs can mirror the personality of their owners. And I believe it: weiner

10. A newspaper in the Dominican Republic is apologizing after publishing a photo of the Alec Baldwin alongside a caption identifying him as, “Donald Trump, president of the USA.” The newspaper is also apologizing for mistakenly referring to this picture of an angry thumb as “Press Secretary Sean Spicer”:

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