February 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During yesterday’s White House press conference, press secretary Sean Spicer mistakenly referred to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as ‘Joe Trudeau.’ But, in Spicer’s defense, you try doing your job correctly and not getting flustered thinking about Justin Trudeau.

2. A new movie streaming service called Brown Sugar, which highlights so-called blaxploitation films, is now available for $3.99 a month. And, only $4.99 if you’re ‘The Man.’

3. It is being reported that First Lady Melania Trump wants to keep former First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House vegetable garden. “In fact, if Michelle wants to move back in and be the First Lady again, I’m cool with that too,” said Melania from New York.

4. It is being reported that First Lady Melania Trump wants to keep former First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House vegetable garden. Because, considering all the scandals and turmoil that have happened in Donald’s first three weeks of the presidency, it’s smart not to make wholesale changes when you’re just renting.

5. Jeffrey Sandusky, the son of convicted sex abuser and former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, has been arrested on child sexual abuse charges. Despite the charges, father Jerry still thinks the worst thing his son Jeffrey ever did was turn 9 and lose his looks.

6. New research suggests that couples who are both obese may have a harder time conceiving a child. Because it’s really hard to know where to put your dick when you haven’t seen it in years.

7. According to a new study, men may be at an increased risk for a fatal heart attack after a major snowstorm hits. This according to your husband as he hands you the snow-shovel.

8. On February 7, just two days after they won Super Bowl LI for their fifth title, the New England Patriots filed to trademark the phrase “Blitz for Six.” “That’s a great idea, what rhymes with one?” said the Cleveland Browns.

9. Last week, a baby in India was born with two penises. Said the doctor who cut the umbilical cord, “I felt like I was in one of those action movies, defusing the bomb, not knowing which wire to cut.”

10. On Monday, Disney cut ties with YouTube star PewDiePie after he posted a video with anti-Semitic imagery. He’s anti-Semitic and a YouTube star, which means he is over-qualified to be in Trump’s cabinet.

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