March 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Scientists in Vietnam have confirmed a case of bi-paternal twins, twins who have different fathers. Or, as it’s referred to on “the Maury Povich Show,” the holy grail.

2. Researchers at the University of Houston are using virtual reality headsets to put heroin addicts in virtual “heroin cave” to help them try and kick their addictions. So far researchers haven’t learned anything, but the addicts have learned how much heroin they can get in exchange for stolen virtual reality headsets.

3. On Friday, Sasha and Malia Obama attended their first ever White House state dinner. “Finally! The kids table was getting lonely,” said Biden

4. Last week, detectives uncovered a $10 million Brooklyn drug operation when they stopped a U-Haul truck stuffed with hundreds of pounds of marijuana. Authorities became suspicious when all the driver’s friends offered to help him move.

5. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio urged supporters in Ohio to vote for John Kasich on Tuesday to prevent Donald Trump from winning. Okay, that explains Ohio, Marco, but why didn’t anyone vote for you in any of the other states?

6. A new study has found that it may be good for your health to have younger siblings. “Strongly disagree,” said Abel.

7. On Friday, famed comedian Jerry Seinfeld sold 15 cars from his Porsche collection for $22 million. Not to be outdone, yesterday, Michael Richards was my Uber driver.

8. During this weekend’s “Saturday Night Live,” host and musical act Ariana Grande accidentally cursed during the show’s opening. And, even worse, later in the show, she sang.

9. A picture has been making the rounds on the internet showing a young lady with a knee that looks like the face of CBS’s “Late Late Show” host James Corden. “I will straight up Tonya Harding that bitch,” said Craig Ferguson.

10. A man who attended Donald Trump’s rally in North Carolina was arrested and charged Thursday after multiple videos posted online appear to show him punching a protester in the face and later saying, “The next time we see him, we might have to kill him.” “You know, maybe a wall is a good idea,” said Mexico.

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