March 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. More people on Thursday tuned in to the popular CBS comedy “The Big Bang Theory” than watched the Republican debate that was airing at the same time. Proving that people like “The Big Bang Theory” more than “Three and A Half Men”:
debate

2. A seafood wholesaler in Maine has acquired a rare four-clawed lobster. It’s perfect for anyone who likes their lobster meat sweet with a hint of uranium.

3. New York’s MTA has unveiled new, high-tech city buses that feature USB ports. But, if you’re spend so much time on city buses that your phone runs out of battery, don’t worry, no one’s calling you.

4. President Obama on Friday made a passionate case for mobile devices to be built in a way that would allow the government to gain access to personal data if needed to prevent a terrorist attack or enforce tax laws. Or figure out who Malia is texting.

5. According to research, high school girls who use the most effective methods of birth control are less likely to also use condoms, making them vulnerable to STDs. But also making them very popular amongst high school boys.

6. A zoo keeper in the Netherlands was caught on camera committing a sex act with a dolphin. Said the man, “…then don’t call it a blowhole.”

7. On Monday, expelled Yale men’s basketball captain Jack Montague said he will sue the university. Montague’s legal brief simply reads, “Do you know who my father is!!!”

8. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump refused to take responsibility on Sunday for clashes at his campaign events and criticized protesters who have dogged his rallies and forced him to cancel one in Chicago last week. Said Trump, “It’s getting tougher and tougher to blame stuff on the Mexicans.”

9. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says his rocket company will start sending tourists into space by 2018. So I guess when Ralph Kramden threaten to send Alice to the moon, he wasn’t a domestic abuser, but, instead, a visionary.

10. An Ohio judge ruled Friday teenagers celebrating their 18th birthday before November’s election are entitled to have their votes for presidential nominees counted in today’s Ohio primary. Said teenagers, “Remember when I said those socks you bought me were the worst birthday gift ever, well I stand corrected.”

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