October 2, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Texas Governor Rick Perry said some school-age children may have come in contact with the first person diagnosed with Ebola in the U.S. So lets just hope, like Perry was in his school days, these students are slow at picking things up.

2. In a study of more than 3,000 people aged 57 to 85, 39 percent of subjects who failed a simple smelling test died within five years. So according to the pungent bouquet I was exposed to on my last trip on the G train, I’m gonna live forever.

3. Russian Scientists say they have discovered a fish with human-like teeth. Which, I’m guessing, in Russia means no teeth.

4. It is being reported that a private security contractor armed with a gun shared an elevator with President Obama a few weeks ago which is a clear violation of safety protocol. “I don’t see what the big deal is, that’s the only way I’ll ride in elevators now,” said Janay Rice.

5. Two days after he was sent home from a Dallas hospital, the man who is the first person to be diagnosed with Ebola in the U.S., was seen vomiting outside an apartment complex as he was rushed into an ambulance. What if this whole time, Lindsay Lohan just had Ebola?

6. United Airlines believes the man diagnosed with Ebola in Texas flew back from Africa on one of its planes on September 20th. So if you flew on that flight, no, United hasn’t found your lost bags, but there’s a chance you won’t be needing them anyway.

7. On Tuesday, the U.S. announced that it had reached a deal that will keep American troops in Afghanistan until at least 2014. Or, as it will be known by then, East Dakota.

8. Yesterday, KISS frontman Gene Simmons was photographed at LAX eating a piece of hamburger off the ground. So apparently that wasn’t paint on his face, it was dirt.

9. The University of California will designate gender-neutral restrooms at its 10 campuses to accommodate transgender students. The symbol on the door will be a picture of Bruce Jenner.

10. A 102-year-old Long Island woman celebrated her birthday over the weekend by going to White Castle. Or, as it was called while she was there, Grey Castle.

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