October 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. New grandmother Hillary Clinton was presented with a slew of gifts, mostly books, for her new granddaughter, Monday afternoon at private New York City fundraiser. The presents included a special edition of Dr. Suess’s “Oh, The Places You’ll Go.” Spoiler alert, those places are Iowa, New Hampshire, Colorado and then Minnesota.

2. The Colorado Supreme Court on Tuesday heard arguments over whether employees can be fired for using medical marijuana, which is legal in the state, but illegal under federal law. It marked the first time that a group of people in Colorado, dressed in the same robes that they wore yesterday, had a conversation solely about marijuana, since the day before.

3. The University of California will designate gender-neutral restrooms at its 10 campuses to accommodate transgender students. So good luck trying to decide how to leave the toilet seats in there.

4. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio signed an executive order on Tuesday to raise the minimum hourly wage by more than a dollar to $13.13. As a result, Lena Dunham as cancelled all the New York City stops on her book tour.

5. Monday night, Kansas City Chiefs safety and devout muslim Husain Abdullah was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct after sliding to his knees in prayer to celebrate a touchdown. Asked why they never threw a flag on Tim Tebow when he prayed on the field, referees responded, “That was a totally different scenario, Abdullah actually scored a touchdown.”

6. Pennsylvania’s Roman Catholic bishops have adopted a new policy requiring boys on the wrestling team of Catholic schools to forfeit matches against female opponents. Although if a boy is scheduled to wrestle a bishop, those matches go on as planned.

7. According to a new study, the personalities of husbands and wives may affect their spouse’s success at work. Said Republicans, “I knew it was Michelle’s fault all along.”

8. Google is planning to role out a new streaming music service in the next few weeks to compete with Apple and Spotify. “We’re here if you need us,” said U2.

9. The home of legendary Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockney in South Bend, Indiana is currently on sale for $500,000. “But, if you’re interested in owning a former college football coach’s house, they’ll probably be a few more on the market come the end of the season,” said fans of the University of Michigan, fans of the University of Florida and family members of Lane Kiffin.

10. According to a new study, women who were unemployed in their youth tend to have fewer children in middle-age. Which explains why there are over a billion people in China.

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