February 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Amazon has opened its first ever brick-and-mortar, pickup and drop-off location on the campus of Purdue University. This is great news for anyone who has ever walked to their mailbox to pick up a package and thought “Man, I wish this walk was longer.”

2. Phoenix Mercury star Diana Taurasi has agreed to sit out this WNBA season at the request of the Russian club team that is paying her $1.5 million. Which may seem like a lot of money, but can you really put a price tag on having women not play basketball?

3. Yesterday, Kody Brown, the husband featured in TLC’s reality show “Sister Wives,” legally divorced one of the four women he lives with to marry another. Although Brown’s Facebook status remains firmly at “It’s Complicated.”

4. Republican Jeb Bush made clear on Wednesday he realizes his famous last name could be a hindrance in a 2016 presidential campaign. But I think he may be underestimating the power of people not wanting to vote for a guy named Jeb.

5. After a 20-year ban, Florida is considering bringing back bear hunts to control the growing population of black bears in the state. “You had me at ‘black’ and lost me at ‘bear,’” said George Zimmerman.

6. According to a leading children’s charity, socially disadvantaged children are more likely to die than their more fortunate peers. But you probably already knew that if you watched any commercial during this year’s SuperBowl.

7. On Wednesday, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams admitted that he “made a mistake” when he said he was on a helicopter that was hit and forced down by rocket fire during the 2003 invasion of Iraq. So now the only fiery wreck that a Williams family member was involved in was NBC’s Peter Pan Live.

8. According to a new study, 60% of students in the U.K. watch pornography to learn about sex. While the other 40% watch it for the articles.

9. Photos have been making the rounds of Patriots coach Bill Belichick kissing his daughter on the mouth following his SuperBowl victory. “Well, that makes the loss a little more bearable,” said long-time Seahawks fan Woody Allen.

10. In a Q&A session earlier this week, Kim Kardashian said having her daughter North West is her biggest achievement. So I guess showing her gigantic ass to the entire world on the cover of “Paper” magazine will have to settle for second place.

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