February 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to experts, Tom Brady will have to pay $22,000 in gift tax if he wants to give the truck he was awarded as SuperBowl MVP to SuperBowl hero Malcolm Butler. Begging the question, how much tax did Pete Carroll have to pay for gift wrapping that game to the Patriots.

2. Conrad Hilton, the younger brother of Paris Hilton, allegedly threatened fight attendants on a British Airways flight last summer, using profanity, smoking in the bathroom and calling other passengers “peasants.” But you’d be angry too if you were literally the only guy in the world Paris Hilton won’t fuck.

3. A barber in Georgia has gained a level of notoriety for offering to parents of troublesome boys a haircut that makes the kid look like he is balding prematurely. Prior to this, the barber was best known for being LeBron James’ hairstylist.

4. Yesterday, Speaker of the House John Boehner said that Pope Francis will address a joint session of Congress on September 24th, marking the first time a pope has delivered such a speech. Because, apparently, fuck the separation of church and state.

5. On Thursday, Swatch announced that it will launch a smart watch in the next two to three months. Because if anyone needs a little extra help in the intelligence department it’s people who wear Swatches.

6. Yesterday, a judge urged transvaginal mesh makers and the women suing them to work harder to resolve the thousands of open lawsuits. Said the judge, “My stomach can’t take too much more of this testimony.”

7. Tiger Woods withdrew from the opening round of the Farmers Insurance Open on Thursday after 11 holes, citing back pain. Proving what all sex addicts know, if you’re gonna swing hard, you better pull out.

8. On Thursday, Pope Francis said he is a disaster with technology and does not know how to use a computer. So, bad news, that probably wasn’t the real Pope you met on Tinder.

9. According to a new survey, first-year college students are studying more and partying less. You can read more about this survey in the latest issue of “Lies College Students Tell Their Parents Weekly.”

10. In a Q&A session earlier this week, Kim Kardashian said she would like to take a selfie with Jesus. And, if that did happen, it would probably give new meaning to the phrase “He has risen.”

11. On Wednesday, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, the country’s top doctor, said that medical marijuana can help some patients. While the remaining patients are real buzz-kills.

12. A group of PGA Tour caddies have filed a class-action lawsuit demanding that the tour compensate them for wearing the requiring sponsored bibs while on the course. Watching the outcome of this case closely, the E-Trade baby.

13. On Friday, paleontologists discovered a 50-foot “dragon” dinosaur species in China. Either that or someone just didn’t clean up after a Chinese New Year parade.

14. Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee says expecting Christians to accept same-sex marriage is “like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon wrapped shrimp in their deli.” But, if you ask me, it sounds like someone’s just trying to get a sandwich named after himself.

15. Over the weekend, singer Justin Timberlake and actress wife Jessica Biel announced that they are expecting their first child. Which explains why, for the past ten years, Joey Fatone has been carrying that extra baby weight.

16. This week Johnny Depp married his girlfriend Amber Heard in their L.A. home. It was a traditional marriage, the priest even asked Heard if she “took this man, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and Mordecai.”

17. Earlier this week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie departed on a weeklong, goodwill trip to the United Kingdom. Where I assume he will learn all the intricacies of shutting down bridges from the left side of the road.

18. After a British investigation, search engine Google has agreed to better inform users how it handles their personal information. Said Google, “Poorly. We handle it poorly.”

19. A new report shows that half of the dogs in the U.S. are overweight. Which explains why modern doggie doors are just regular doors.

20. Last week, Mary Cheney, the daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney asked why a man can dress up as a women to entertain an audience, but a white person can’t get on stage in blackface. The answer is history, Mary, because of history.

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