February 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a medical marijuana company in Seattle unveiled a special SuperBowl strain of weed called Seahawks blend. Which finally answers the questions: What was Seattle’s offensive coordinator smoking?

2. According to police reports, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong hit two parked cars after a night of partying in Aspen in December of last year but agreed to let his girlfriend take the blame to avoid national media attention. But, in Armstrong’s defense, he is a horrible person with no moral compass.

3. On Tuesday, it was announced that author Harper Lee will publish a sequel to her fifty-five year old novel “To Kill a Mockingbird.” The new book will finally answer all those unanswered questions, like, is Harper Lee still alive?

4. A juror in the murder trial of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was dismissed on Tuesday by the judge for talking about the case outside the courtroom. Or, as Hernandez refers it, snitching.

5. Felicity Jones, fresh off her Oscar-nominated role in the Stephen Hawking bio-pic “The Theory of Everything,” is the front-runner to star in an upcoming stand-alone Star Wars film. Jones is reportedly undecided as the film will also star R2D2 and she doesn’t want to get typecast as the actress who stars opposite mechanical androids with robotic voices.

6. Yesterday, Disney released five still images from “Frozen Fever,” the forthcoming seven-minute short film that updates its popular “Frozen” franchise. Because apparently Disney loves teasing your kids.

7. IOC president Thomas Bach attended Sunday’s SuperBowl but warned on Tuesday not to expect NFL players in the Olympics anytime soon. So it looks like another thin field in 2016’s wife tossing competition.

8. FoxNews is being sued by actress Lindsey Lohan and her mother Dina for defamation over a segment accusing the Lohans of doing cocaine. Said a FoxNews executive, “This is what we get for accurately reporting the news for once?”

9. Same-sex weddings could being in Alabama as soon as next week after a U.S. appeals court on Tuesday refused a request by the state’s attorney general to delay gay marriage. So if you’re gay and you live in Alabama, why?

10. Last week, Disney announced its newest princess will be Elena of Avalor, Disney’s first Latino princess. First Latino princess? Really? Because I vaguely remember Cinderella washing some dishes.

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