1. On Thursday, First Lady Melania Trump visited a New York City hospital and read Dr. Seuss books to sick children. Presumably because some Make-A-Wish kid has an amazing sense of humor.
2. For the first time in its 130-year history, the Harvard Law Review elected a black woman as president. They broke the news to Attorney General Jeff Session by saying, “Harvard has elected a woman as president of Law Review, and it get’s worse.”
4. A group of Parisians, uninspired by the French presidential candidates, have collected over 43,000 signatures calling for Barack Obama to run. Said Barack, “I know I have that French birth certificate lying around here somewhere.”
5. On Monday, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced that his company will send two space tourists to the moon sometime late next year. “How are the schools there?” asked Melania.
6. Spain has appointed a ‘sex tsar’ to help boost the country’s low birthrate. We have a person in the U.S. that overseas massive increases in the nation’s birthrates too, we call him the commissioner of the NBA.
7. According to new research, if done correctly, sex uses all 657 muscles in the human body. Begging the question, why isn’t Tara Reid in better shape?