March 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, 120 diners celebrating a baptism at a restaurant in a small town in Spain all fled the restaurant at once without paying the bill which totaled over 2,000 euros. A story that President Trump no doubt loves because it combines two of his favorite things, Spanish people leaving and not paying bills.

2. Pizza Hut recently debuted their “Pie Tops,” a limited edition sneaker for March Madness, that allow customers to place orders by pressing a button on the tongue of the shoe that connects to an app. Of course, anyone interested in such a product hasn’t seen, let alone been able to touch their feet in years.

3. The Israeli government voted on Sunday in favor of decriminalizing recreational marijuana use. Because apparently, the one Jewish state in the world that is completely surrounded on every side by Muslim countries wasn’t already paranoid enough.

4. Last week, a lightning strike created a hole in the runway at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Wow, lightning had a busy week, causing delays at LaGuardia and doing Halle Berry’s hair for the Oscars:
halle-berry

5. On Friday, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said the political scandal over contacts between the Russian ambassador and members of President Trump’s administration looked like “a witch hunt.” “Did someone say my name?” asked Kellyanne Conway.

6. There is a barbershop in Kazakhstan that uses strippers to cut men’s hair. It’s the only barbershop in the world where when the barber asks, “A little off the top?” the typical response is “Yes, but you first.”

7. The state of Arkansas plans to put to death eight inmates over a span of 10 days next month due to the looming expiration date for a drug used by the state for lethal injections. Yeah, wouldn’t want to give those people sentenced to death an expired medicine, could really do some damage, maybe even kill them.

8. The Justice Department said on Friday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions will reply in writing to Senate Democrats’ questions about his meetings with Russia’s ambassador last year. And, if some of his answers don’t make complete sense remember that Google translate doesn’t always convert Russian to English perfectly.

9. President Trump accused his predecessor Barack Obama on Saturday of wiretapping him during the late stages of the 2016 election campaign, but offered no evidence for the allegation. “You call this no evidence!?!” yelled our president:
sunny

10. A fire broke out late Thursday night at the Trump International Hotel in New York City. In response, Republicans in Congress passed a bill ordering the firefighters only to fight the smoke.

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