1. Freddie Gibson, a five-year-old boy in England saved up his birthday money to take his best friend, a five-year-old girl named Dee Dee, out on a first date. Although, I don’t think there’s gonna be a second date, because the morning after Freddie woke up with cooties.
2. According to a newly released expense report, Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spent $1,600 on a personal hairdresser while in New York. But, in his defense, most Jewish men are okay splurging on the guy who’s taking a little off the top because they’ve been burnt before.
3. A pregnant woman in Atlanta posted on social media her latest sonogram in which her unborn baby looks exactly like a car. Well, they don’t call him Herbie the Love Bug for nothing.
4. A new start-up company has developed a $800 robot that will fold your laundry for you. “Yes, but can I fuck it?” asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. The world’s first underwater bar opened this week. “Finally!” said Ted Kennedy.
6. Over the weekend, the reigning NFL champion Denver Broncos received their SuperBowl rings, but defensive coordinator Wade Phillips had to return his when he noticed his ring had the wrong name on it. “But, it’s really the thought that counts,” said Donald Trump:
8. A judge who was censured for having sex with two women in his chambers handily won reelection in Orange County last week. Said the judge, “This calls for a celebration, everyone to my chambers!”
9. A man was arrested in Qatar for attempting to smuggle 27 pounds of bacon into the country in his anal cavity. But don’t worry, he shoved a few pieces of hickory up there for flavor.
10. SeaWorld’s beloved pilot whale Bubbles died last Thursday at the age of 30. Fortunately, Bubbles is in a better place now, anywhere but SeaWorld.