June 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA Finals and ending the city’s record 51-year championship drought. And yet, even though they won, somehow the streets of Cleveland this morning still look like people rioted after a loss.

2. Last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA Finals and ending the city’s record 51-year championship drought. “Is that even allowed?” said the Browns.

3. Last week, a jury awards $22 million to an Ohio man who was locked in closet by Cleveland police for four days. Which can only mean one thing, John Travolta is gonna get billions.

4. O.J. Simpson is reportedly open to taking a DNA test to see if Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. Although, I don’t think O.J. is completely necessary here, I’m pretty sure we can get a sample of his blood without his involvement.

5. Microsoft is working on software for the legal marijuana business. Which is weird because, as any pothead who can’t find his bong will tell you, in a pinch, you can always use an Apple.

6. Last week, House Speaker Paul Ryan said he’d be willing to sue any president who “exceeds his or her powers.” Although he may not have meant it, I’m pretty sure wildly threatening to sue people counts as a Trump endorsement.

7. On Saturday, Paul McCartney turned 74 years-old. McCartney threw a small party that ended early after Yoko Ono broke it up.

8. On Friday, a Colorado mother fought off a mountain lion that had attacked her son. Authorities are calling her “courageous” while the mother of the boy who fell into the gorilla zoo enclosure is calling her “a show off.”

9. At a recent campaign rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump asked the crowd who they thought he should pick as his running mate. Begging the question, can the song Free Bird hold elected office?

10. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. While other major companies have decided to stay onboard but tweak their slogans accordingly, for instance:
-“You’re in good hands with Allstate” is now “You’re in good tiny hands with Allstate”
– “American Express, don’t leave home without it” is now “American Express, just don’t leave home”
-AT&T’s “Reach out and touch someone” is now “Reach out and punch someone”
-Budweiser’s “The king of beers” is now “The dictator of beers”
-UPS’s “What can Brown do for you?” is now “What can Brown do for you? It can get out of this country”
-Kay Jewelers’ “Every kiss beings with K” is now ‘Every kiss begins with K K K”
-Lucky Charms’ “They’re magically delicious” is now “They’re magically malicious”
-Sprite’s “Obey your thirst” is now “Obey your worst”
-Taco Bell’s “Head for the border” remains “Head for the border”
-Taco Bell’s “Yo quiero Taco Bell” is now “Speak English!”
-“The one. The only. Tampax.” is now “Ewwwwwwwwww”

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