February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

September 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in Argentina tried to win back her boyfriend by stripping naked in the middle of the road and stopping traffic. So now, she’s a red flag on Waze too.

2. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Said the new kid, “Why am I here? It was less crowded at the orphanage.”

3. Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, said he views Dick Cheney as a role model for the job of vice president. Which is terrible news for Pence’s hunting buddies.

4. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said on Friday that if elected he would seek to reverse President Obama’s moves to open relations with Cuba. Adding, “That place is a mess, I’ve never seen somewhere so overrun with Mexicans.”

5. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, the complete opposite is suggested if your wife is ugly.

6. The TV ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards were the lowest ever in the history of the show. In fact, if the ratings got any lower, the Emmys would be running for president.

7. According to a new study, 86% of American men are satisfied with their penis. “Well, at least someone is,” said their wives.

8. On Sunday night, the official Twitter account for the 2016 Emmys mistakingly identified Terrence Howard as Cuba Gooding Jr. And, say what you will, but the Oscars never had that problem.

9. According to a new study, beer makes people less shy about sex, especially women. “Actually, I’ve found that any beverage will do,” said Bill Cosby.

10. Former President George W. Bush announced last week that he will be releasing a book of his paintings in 2017. So, to reiterate, the president who was mercilessly mocked for his perceived low intelligence, is releasing a book consisting solely of pictures.

February 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush dropped out of the race over the weekend after spending over $150 million without winning a single primary. Jeb may not be qualified to be president, but, with a track record like that, he could easily run the Knicks.

2. This week, Waze, Google’s navigation app, added the voice of actor Morgan Freeman as an option to give directions. Unsurprisingly, the Freeman voice ends every direction given to the driver with “Yes, Miss Daisy.”

3. Nissan has invented self-powered office chairs that park themselves back into their original position with a simple clap of the hands. “It takes clapping? Then I guess those chairs are staying where they are,” said Jeb Bush.

4. It was announced on Tuesday that London’s new subway line, connecting east and west London, will be named after Queen Elizabeth. And, if it’s anything like New York’s subway lines, someone will definitely show you their crown jewels.

5. A woman in Israel lives with, feeds and cares for around 70 bats in her small apartment. Unsurprisingly, much like Jennifer Garner, there is no batman in her life.

6. A man in London has officially changed his name to ‘Bacon Double-Cheeseburger.’ Which will undoubtedly result in a very stupid version of ‘Who’s on First’ when the girl behind the McDonald’s counter asks him “What’s the name on this order?”

7. NASA is inviting the public to send art to an asteroid that is deep in space on its new spacecraft. May I suggest everything that Yoko Ono has ever done.

8. Ben Carson said when he’s elected president he’ll be the first African-American to hold the position because President Obama was “raised white.” The crazy thing is Ben Carson thinking he’s blacker than President Obama is only the second most delusional part of that sentence.

9. During last night’s Democratic town hall, Bernie Sanders said a psychoanalyst would “have a field day” with Donald Trump. Begging the question, is there anything above the superego?

10. During his victory speech in South Carolina, Republican front-runner Donald Trump asked his wife Melania to say a few words. Which was good, because she only knows a few.