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June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

July 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week Virginia introduced a law that makes it illegal for 12-year-old girls to get married. While 12-year-old girls will still be required to get married in West Virginia.

2. A house in Seattle that was declared to dangerous to even enter sold for $427,000 after an intense bidding war. “We’ve been sitting on a goldmine,” said the entire city of Detroit.

3. Over the weekend, “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson linked gay marriage to mass murder in a speech to conservatives. “You could have just RSVP’d ‘No’,” said Lance Bass and his fiancee.

4. 18-year-old Vashti Cunningham clinched a Olympic berth in track and field last week becoming the youngest U.S. Olympian since 1980. “It’s so much harder when they run fast,” said Jared Fogel.

5. In a recent interview with ‘Vanity Fair,’ actress Lindsay Lohan said she is writing a book. The working title is “The Girl with the Lower Back Dragon Tattoo.”

6. During the award ceremony at the conclusion of the U.S. Women’s Open golf tournament on Sunday, USGA president Diana Murphy repeatedly and incorrectly referred to winner Brittany Lang as ‘Bethany.’ The last time someone in golf mistakenly called a woman by the wrong name it resulted in Elin chasing Tiger around the house with a 9 iron.

7. Yesterday was the United Nation’s World Population Day, with this year’s focus being on issues facing teenage girls around the world. Issues like access to education, equal pay and why Becky’s being such a bitch.

8. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, if need be, he will personally fix the Department of Veteran Affairs to prevent any future mishaps. And, in exchange, hopefully VA hospitals will fix Trump to prevent any future mishaps:
trumps

9. According to a new study, in school cafeterias with banners depicting vegetables as superheroes, more young children took veggies from the salad bar. Which may explain why most Chinese lunchrooms have banners of Underdog.

10. 5-star wide receiver recruit Tee Higgins announced his decision to play football at Clemson University in a video via an elaborate fireworks display. Jason Pierre Paul gave the video his highest rating, one and a half thumbs up.

February 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, potential 2016 presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he thinks his brother was a great president. Adding, “Much like the Depression was a Great Depression.”

2. NBC launched an internal probe on Friday into “Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams’ debunked claim that he was aboard a helicopter that was hit by a rocket during the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003. Said Williams, “I would never intentionally lie about anything. I am a truthful person, just ask my daughters Allison, Serena and Venus.”

3. Amid growing controversy, NBC News anchor Brian Williams has canceled a planned appearance with late-night talk show host David Letterman this week. “I’ll do it!” shouted Lester Holt immediately.

4. According to reports, China will have more robots operating in its production plants by 2017 than any other country in the world. To make the transition to robot workers seamless, plants will employ robotic children.

5. A Washington state man’s obituary published over the weekend jokingly blamed his “untimely demise” on the Seattle Seahawks’ SuperBowl loss. Please be Macklemore. Please be Macklemore.

6. Pope Francis has ordered that umbrellas forgotten by tourists be distributed to the homeless of Rome to get them through a spate of unseasonably rainy weather. Said the homeless, “Just out of curiosity, did any tourists happen to leave behind a home?”

7. The 50 Shades of Grey movie, which is 125 minutes long, reportedly features 20 minutes worth of sex scenes. Which explains why your aunt called the film “105 minutes too long.”

8. Due to the popularity of the Hunger Games movies, which are mainly shot in Georgia, Atlanta Movie Tours has launched a Hunger Games tour which highlights parts of the city where filming took place. Yet, for the most realistic Hunger Games experience, fans are still encourage to go to Detroit.

9. On Saturday, the United States Golf Association said it will launch a U.S. Senior Women’s Open in 2018. But, until then, you’ll have to travel to the Netherlands to see that many old dykes in one place.

10. Colombia’s Marxist FARC rebels have invited the newly-crowned Miss Universe, Paulina Vega, a native of the country, to attend their peace negotiations with the government aimed at ending 50 years of fighting. “I think she should go,” said Nia Sanchez, 2014 Miss Universe First Runner-Up.