Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

June 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, CNN hired recently-fired Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. And, to really fuck with Trump, CNN also hired Marla and Ivana.

2. Music stars Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Paul McCartney, Sting, Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga and Yoko Ono are teaming up to pressure Congress to pass stricter gun laws. Or, in Yoko Ono’s case, at least a gun with a wider shooting radius.

3. McDonald’s is set to take over Oprah’s old production studio in Chicago. Apparently there were so many old McDonald’s wrappers lying around that it was cheaper to make it into a restaurant than clean it up.

4. A DVD that was supposed to be a graduation video given to all 6th graders at an Israeli elementary school turned out to be a porno instead. So, no need for a bar-mitzah, you’re a man today.

5. Police in Utah have a new K-9 officer trained to sniff out devices that could contain child pornography. Here’s a look at how the dog was trained:
dog attack

6. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. While DJ Jazzy Jeff regrets paying extra for guac at Chipotle.

7. A new study finds that married couples who divide up the housework evenly have better sex lives. “Does it make a difference if I call them chores and give her an allowance?” said Woody Allen.

8. A man in Australia man has promised to eat the worst Subway sandwich that commentators on the internet can think up. Which, I’m pretty sure, is Quizno’s business model.

9. A magician in the U.K. was taken to the hospital after losing a massive amount of blood during an onstage performance in which he tried to pull a playing card out of his nose. And if nose-bleeds count as magic then Charlie Sheen is fucking Houdini.

10. A woman in the U.K., trying to sell her sofa online, accidentally included a nude picture of herself in the posting. Begging the question, what if Kim Kardashian has just been trying to sell us an ottoman this whole time?

11. A jaguar featured at an Olympic torch ceremony in Brazil on Monday was shot dead after it escaped from its handlers. But, on the plus side, the guy carrying the torch ran so fast that he qualified for the 100 meter dash.

12. On Tuesday, Queen Elizabeth sent a tweet for only the second time since she joined Twitter in 2014. Even stranger, the tweet was bad-mouthing the new all-female “Ghostbusters.”

13. Firefighters in Alabama had to be called to rescue a 15-year-old girl after she got her head stuck in a Barney the dinosaur costume. And even though this story involves a dinosaur it makes me believe in evolution a little less.

14. On Tuesday, ‘The Wall Street Journal’ reported that the upcoming Apple iPhone 7 will be almost identical to the iPhone 6. “I need it!” said iPhone 6 users.

15. According to a new report, tracing one’s family history is the second most common hobby in the U.S. behind gardening. Although, if you’re a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, those are one in the same.

16. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. So, if you like lobster and you have $9 you probably shouldn’t order lobster.

17. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. Not to be outdone, Burger King will just give you food poisoning.

18. In a recent interview, actor Charlie Sheen claimed that Donald Trump gave him fake diamond and platinum cuff links. But, in Trump’s defense, he didn’t think Sheen would be around long enough to figure it out.

19. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. And here’s a picture from the grand opening:
diner

20. Alabama county officials refused to lower flags to half-staff to honor the victims of the Orlando mass shooting even after orders from President Obama and Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. Which falls in line with Alabama’s state motto, “On the wrong side of history since 1876.”
 
21. According to reports, famed Hollywood director Steven Spielberg is in talks to remake “West Side Story.” This time, my money’s on the Sharks:
jaws

22. A high school senior in Montana is staging a protest after her school demanded that she wear a bra. Said her fellow-male-protestors, “You know what I think will convince the school, jumping jacks, lots and lots of jumping jacks.”

23. Over the weekend, police in New Jersey arrested a woman after she allegedly stole 95 cents from a mall water fountain. And, just to be extra dicks about it, they set her bail at 96 cents.

24. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. So don’t be surprised if this year’s RNC is brought to you by Chico’s Bail Bonds.

25. During a speech at a campaign rally over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he feels like a supermodel. Which, I assume means, he starting to creep himself out.

March 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Earlier this week, Marco Rubio was interrupted by a heckler at a Florida campaign rally who accused Rubio of stealing his girlfriend. Campaign officials knew that there might be trouble when someone showed up for a Marco Rubio rally.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio’s campaign headquarters were evacuated after a white powder scare. While Donald Trump’s headquarters brought people in due to its white power scare.

3. A top NFL official acknowledged for the first time on Monday a link between football-related concussions and CTE, the degenerative brain condition caused by repeated blows to the head. The official cited the Cleveland Brown’s belief every year that they can win as evidence of brain damage.

4. Lesbian love story “Carol” was on Tuesday named as the top LGBT film of all time by the British Film Institute. Which can only mean one thing, the British Film Institute hasn’t done a lot of surfing on the internet.

5. Police in a central Massachusetts town are warning residents to be on the lookout for men challenging passersby to rap battles. Saying, “participating in the battle is not dangerous, just super lame.”

6. On Monday, “Star Wars” director J.J. Abrams said it was a “nightmare” to think of people watching his big-screen sci-fi adventure on a cellphone. Saying that the small-screen medium lends itself better to YouTube videos and the prequels.

7. Hollywood actor George Clooney and his international human rights lawyer wife Amal Clooney met with Syrian refugee families in Germany this week. That story again, a wife let her husband tag-along while she worked.

8. Yesterday, it was announced that actor Harrison Ford and director Steven Spielberg are teaming up to make a fifth “Indiana Jones” movie, due for release in 2019. At age 73, Ford said he is finally able to capture all the excitement associated with the state of Indiana.

9. On Tuesday, after losing the primary in his home state of Florida to Donald Trump, Senator Marco Rubio suspended his presidential campaign. So now, all that’s left to do, is awkwardly go back to Florida.

10. On Monday, former Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson explained his decision to endorse Donald Trump, saying even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” Proving that Carson doesn’t understand how a democracy or an endorsement works.

February 28, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. I’m not buying it, looks like someone needs some clean urine. I’m on to you Lindsay.

2. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. But hopefully not driving schools.

3. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. It’s all part of A&E’s news series “Scared Straight: Lindsay Lohan edition.”

4. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to school kids and cheering up young girls in hospitals. Adding, “They have drugs at hospitals right? Then, yeah, definitely hospitals.”

5. Director Steven Spielberg will preside over the 2013 Cannes Film Festival jury this May. So good luck getting anything into Cannes this year Ang Lee.

6. Authorities have found traces of horse DNA at beef storage facilities in Poland after several countries pointed to Poland as the source of the recent European horsemeat controversy. But in defense of those Polish storage facilities, they had recently lost their procedural manual which is essential to doing their job correctly. Their manual is the classic children’s book “The Cow Goes Moo.”

7. Singer Harry Styles, a member of the boy-band One Direction, was hit in the crotch by a shoe thrown by a fan at a recent concert. That’s a start, but how are we going to make sure that Justin Bieber never reproduces?

8 Today the Pope will officially resign, or the asshole will pull a Leno and hang around for a few more years.

9. JC Penny is taking a big hit in the stock market today, a day after the retailer reported disappointing 4th quarter results. This report shocked many since most people had no idea that JC Penny still existed.

10. As the result of a DUI conviction, singer Bobby Brown has been ordered to jail. When reached for comment, Brown said, “Yeah, I know how to get there, I’m very familiar.”