February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton revealed that she hasn’t driven anyone, including herself, in a car since 1996. Not to be outdone, Bill Clinton announced that he hasn’t motorboated anyone in over four hours.

2. According to a report by British lawmakers, after exceeding its allotted budget for last year, the Royal Family is now strapped for cash. Looks like it’s time for Pippa to start shaking that sweet moneymaker.

3. Yesterday, legendary musician Pete Seeger died. I thought the Grammys were bad too, but that seems like an overreaction.

4. After more than 600 passengers on a Royal Caribbean cruise got sick, the ship is now scheduled to return to New Jersey early today. So if you weren’t sick before, the sight of the New Jersey skyline getting closer and closer should do the trick.

5. The U.S. wireless industry lobby is proposing a pilot project to test how two television stations could share the same radio frequency. If they end up combining VH1 Classic and the Food Network we may never see Chris Christie again.

6. Yesterday, NBC and the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences announced that it will move the Primetime Emmy awards, scheduled for September, from Sunday to Monday night. It was also announced the telecast will feature a mass divorce for all the people who were married at the Grammys.

7. On Monday, the IOC said that athletes at the Sochi Winter Olympics may speak their minds at news conferences, but may be punished for making statements on the podium against Russia’s anti-gay law. Said one gay athlete, “I’ll try, but if I’m on the podium after winning the bronze, that gold medalist’s junk is right at eye-level, and if he’s hot, all bets are off.”

8. Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman was fined $8,000 by the National Football League on Friday for unsportsmanlike behavior. Said Sherman, “Was the NFL talking about me!?!”

9. According to a new study, people who have been exposed to the pesticide DDT were more likely to have Alzheimer’s disease than those with no traces of the chemical in their blood. Which may explain why my gardener forgets how to speak English every time the INS comes around.

10. German police say methane gas from 90 flatulent cows exploded in a farm shed on Monday, damaging the roof and injuring one of the animals. That happens to me when I have too much milk too.