February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

March 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An 11-year-old girl from Texas landed a multi-million deal with Whole Foods for the supermarket chain to sell her homemade lemonade. Unfortunately, even with the deal, she will be unable to turn a profit because she buys her lemons from Whole Foods.

2. The Library of Congress will no longer use the words “illegal” and “alien” to describe undocumented immigrants after Dartmouth College students petitioned for the change. Although the Library of Congress will continue to use the words ‘whiny’ and ‘pretentious’ to describe Dartmouth students.

3. Videos emerged this week of an unidentified object apparently colliding with the planet Jupiter. Scientists have theorized that it may have been an asteroid, a shooting star or an alien spacecraft driven by an alien Billy Joel.

4. According to a new poll, nearly two-thirds of Americans believe torture can be justified to extract information from suspected terrorists. Luckily there are ways of convincing the other third.

5. A 59-year-old Florida man is suing William Shatner for $170 million dollars claiming that the actor is his father. And he may have a case, because during the press conference, the man took a painfully long time to get through most sentences.

6. A U.S. Border Patrol agents’ union, which says it represents 16,500 agents, is endorsing Donald Trump for president. They know he wants to replace them with a wall right?

7. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Wednesday that women who end pregnancies should face punishment if the U.S. bans abortion, triggering a torrent of criticism from both sides of the abortion debate. Trump then clarified his position saying he believes all women, regardless of whether they are pregnant or not, should be punished.

8. Los Angeles Lakers rookie point guard D’Angelo Russell admitted he felt “sick” during a public apology he issued on Wednesday for secretly filming team mate Nick Young talking about sleeping with women other than his fiancé. So now he has something in common with fans who were forced to watch the Lakers this season.

9. On Monday night, Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was voted off “Dancing with the Stars.” So at least America got that vote right.

10. NBC says it has sold $1 billion in national ads for the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. And, surprisingly, only half of them feature Flo from Progressive.