March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

January 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A recent Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. Yet somehow when the second passenger got on board all the overhead compartments were already full.

2. The Milwaukee Brewers are offering fans the chance to buy a $1,000 “Timeless Ticket” redeemable to attend any game in the future. The only downside, it has to be a Brewers game.

3. According to reports, Mitt Romney is purportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. Said his former campaign manager, “I’m so happy I didn’t throw out these binders full of women.”

4. On Tuesday, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim became the largest shareholder of the New York Times. Slim said he intends to leave the newspaper largely unchanged except from now on the Accent section will just be him reading the front page.

5. According to new research, abuse of opiate-based prescription painkillers such as oxycodine and morphine are on the decline in the U.S. “You’re welcome,” said meth.

6. The New York Jets’ announcement that it had hired former Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles as its next head coach was met with a less than enthusiastic response yesterday. Yet no one was more disappointed in the news than Todd Bowles.

7. Yesterday, President Obama called Urban Meyer to congratulate the Ohio State head coach on his team’s upset victory over Oregon in the first College Football Playoff Championship. Said Barack, “Urban, I know what it’s like to be an underdog who critics say can’t possibly live up to the hype, but what’s it like to actually follow through?”

8. Volunteers are searching a wooded area north of Seattle for a missing wallaby who bounded away from its crate during a transfer to a local petting zoo last week. But, if it’s anything like Seattle’s last residents who were fond of jumping and went missing, it will turn up in Oklahoma City.

9. Yesterday, the GOP announced that it will choose a presidential candidate in July of 2016, a full month before it traditionally decided. Republican leaders said they needed the extra time to reenforce the convention stage in case Christie gets the nomination.

10. Little-known American golfer Bhavik Patel has been banned by the PGA Tour after violating its anti-doping policy on the use of performance enhancing substances. Tour officials became suspicious of Patel when his golf ball exploded upon impact.