April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

June 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. But, since Putin already got him the election, he just sent a card.

2. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That story again, Donald Trump was born 71 years ago today just in case there are any time travelers out there who were wondering.

3. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. “Getting closer,” said Melania:

4. According to reports, Russian hackers infiltrated voter databases in 39 states during the 2016 presidential election. Which means, in the run up to the election, even the Russians visited more states than Hillary.

5. A self-proclaimed psychic tricked a 23-year-old grad student into paying her $2,500 to lift a curse from her family. But, in the student’s defense, $2,500 to get rid of Eric is a pretty sweet deal:

6. On Tuesday, the Clemson Tigers visited the White House four months after winning the college football championship. I’m not sure why it took four months for them to visit the White House, but, if history is any guide, I’d guess because they’re married to the president:

7. Despite losing, LeBron James became the first player in NBA history to average a triple-double in the Finals. Not to be outdone, his teammates somehow managed to become the first player to average negative points.

8. Despite saying privacy was important to them, 98% of college students polled gladly gave up their friend’s contact information in exchange for free pizza. So, hey friends, get ready for some creepy late night texts:

9. Vietnam vet James McCloughan will be the first person awarded the Medal of Honor by President Trump. Unless of course Trump’s bone spurs act up again.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin made an appearance Monday at the opening of the controversial staging of ‘Julius Caesar’ at New York’s Shakespeare in the Park. Not to be outdone, brother Stephen Baldwin made an appearance at the opening of an Orange Julius in Reseda.

February 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, news anchor Scott Pelley started “The CBS Evening News” by saying President Trump “is divorced from reality.” So add ‘reality’ to the long list of things Melania is jealous of.

2. Yesterday, Bob Costas announced that he is ending his 24-year runs NBC’s Olympic host, with Mike Tirico taking over the anchor seat at next year’s Winter Games in South Korea. Word or advice Mike, maybe wipe down that chair first:
costas

3. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Luckily, he’s able to catch a quick nap every day during his intel briefings.

4. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Because after four to five hours the bed tends to get too soggy.

5. A new study found that people with older phones were 56 percent less likely to get a date. So if you have a new iPhone 7 and still can’t get a date, you ugly.

6. WeBot, is a new Facebook bot that allows users to find protests near them. “No need,” said Trump looking out the White House front door.

7. Domino’s has created its own wedding registry that lets pizza-loving couples stock their wedding wish list with Domino’s menu items. Which is great news for this happy couple:
peyton

8. According to sources, in his first call as president with Russian leader Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump denounced a treaty that caps U.S. and Russian deployment of nuclear warheads as a bad deal for the United States. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans don’t know that Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act are the same thing. And, if they’re shocked by that, wait till they hear who’s president now!

10. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. As a result, his seeing-eye-dog has made a few adjustments:
bullet-dog

11. A new study found that childhood cancer survivors are just as satisfied with their sex lives as people who didn’t have cancer. You can read more about that in this month’s medical journal of ‘Why Would You Even Think To Study That? Quarterly’

12. Bejing’s top official on transplants said on Tuesday that Beijing was “mending its ways” from a murky past when organs were taken from detained or executed prisoners. My brain thinks that’s a good idea while my donor kidney wants to murder him.

13. In a recent interview, actress and writer Lena Dunham said that she had to avoid shooting graphic sex scenes for this season of ‘Girls’ while intern Malia Obama was on set. That story again, this season of ‘Girls’ will be even more unwatchable than the previous ones.

14. A South Carolina woman claims she can control President Donald Trump through her bracelet. Because, I assume, her bracelet has Steve Bannon’s phone number on it.

15. President Donald Trump’s choice to lead the Labor Department, Andrew Puzder, admitted on Monday to employing an undocumented immigrant as a house cleaner. “That’s no way to treat a maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

16. According to reports, the U.S.’s bacon reserves have hit a 50 year low. That story again, you’re about to find out how gross dates taste on their own.

17. After previously saying he would have voted for Donald Trump in the presidential election, Kanye West has now deleted all of his tweets supportive of the new president. “Wait, you can delete these things?” asked Trump:
trump-tweet

18. The U.S. House of Representatives voted on Monday to require law enforcement authorities to obtain a search warrant before seeking old emails from technology companies. And, in related news, the Clinton Foundation is now a technology company.

19. Donald Trump’s personal physician said the president takes four pills every day. Adding, “Or is it one pill every four days? I don’t know, I’m not a good doctor.”:
trump-doctor

20. Disney fans have started an online petition asking that the Donald Trump figure set to be installed in the Hall of Presidents be a silent robot. Although, if Disney really wants to make it accurate the Trump robot will talk but only when the Steve Bannon robot hidden behind him tells him to.

February 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night the Denver Broncos won the Superbowl and, on the sidelines right after the game, Papa John gave winning quarterback Peyton Manning a kiss. Which, I guess, explains why we’ve never met Mama John.

2. Last night, the concession stands at Superbowl 50 were selling beers for $13 and bottled water for $7. But, considering the game was played in California, $7 for water seems like a pretty good deal.

3. At least two women have been kicked off of Tinder after using the mobile dating app to campaign for Bernie Sanders. Which is unfair, since most people who use the app end up feeling the burn, especially when they’re peeing.

4. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump shh-ed Jeb Bush. But, in Trump’s defense, he just didn’t want Jeb to wake Ben Carson.

5. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. She revealed this information when asked by a Verizon sales rep why she needed to change her phone number.

6. A California company has created a marijuana-based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual cramps. So now you’ll no longer have to hot-box it.

7. A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting 130 pencils into his mouth. And, although the pencils did not start out that way, they eventually became number 2s.

8. The Turkish army has confiscated over 700 parrots trying to be smuggling into the country from war-torn Syria. Immigration officials became suspicious when every question they asked was repeated back to them.

9. Fifteen cars parked on an iced-over Geneva Lake in the Wisconsin for a Winterfest celebration on Saturday, fell into the frigid waters after the ice broke. Marking the first time anyone has ever looked ‘cool’ in a Kia Sorento.

10. According to a new poll of Harry Potter fans, the most popular spell used in the series is the Expecto Patronum spell, which protects the speaker from the dark arts. If spoken, the spell will also protect the speaker from having sex until they’re 38.