February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

June 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Thursday, a man climbed a 30-foot-tall bulldozer on a crowded Miami freeway, stripped naked and masturbated in plain view during rush hour. Causing a handful of motorists to use their windshield wipers even though it wasn’t raining.

2. In a recent interview, White House aide Kellyanne Conway said that President Trump will never stop tweeting. And it’s kinda hard to argue since, apparently, he even tweeted mid-stroke:

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Because you know, just like Trump, in a couple of years, he’s gonna trade it in for a newer model.

4. Though the number of American teenagers having babies has dropped over the past half century, a new study finds regional clusters with strikingly high teen birth rates. Yeah, those clusters are called the South.

5. The Olympics will reportedly add 3-on-3 basketball to the 2020 Games. And, if you think that’s interesting, LeBron’s been playing 1-on-5 basketball for years.

6. Massachusetts Institute of Technology officials said President Trump badly misunderstood their research when he cited it on Thursday to justify withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement. But, in Trump’s defense, if they wanted him to understand it better, they should have included more pictures, preferably ones that pop-up.

7. A group of investors that includes Bob Marley’s son Damian has purchased High Times magazine for $70 million. And, if this is the first you’re hearing about the purchase, hi Damian.

8. While delivering a speech Saturday night in Iowa, Vice President Mike Pence reassured conservatives that President Trump will deliver on his campaign promise to boost the economy. Just like he built the wall … er, drained the swamp … well, there’s a first for everything.

9. On Saturday, U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., Nikki Haley, said President Trump believes in climate change. But that vote of confidence should be taken with a grain of salt because Trump also once told Eric that he believed in him as well.

10. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hardly spoke with former U.S. National Security Adviser Michael Flynn when they sat next to each other at a Moscow dinner in 2015. “I completely understand that,” said Trump:

May 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Early Monday morning, President Trump sent out a tweet congratulating golfer John Daly on his win over the weekend. That’s weird, they’re friends? I wonder what an overweight man who golfs every weekend has in common with John Daly.

2. KFC has published a romance novel featuring Colonel Sanders. Not to be outdone, Ronald McDonald is this month’s ‘Playgirl’ centerfold:

3. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The director tried to warn her by pointing and screaming “hammerhead,” but she thought he was just giving notes of the scene.

4. A woman in Colombia swallowed $7,000 in cash in an attempt to hide the money from her husband during a fight. He should kiss and makeup with her as quickly as possible, not because of the money, but because a woman with a gag reflex like that is hard to find.

5. Today is National Teachers Day, a day where people are encouraged to contact former teachers and tell how they changed their lives. Which is easy for the new French President Emmanuel Marcon, he’ll just repeat his wedding vows.

6. Former acting-Attorney General Sally Yates testified on Monday that she warned President Trump’s administration that former national security adviser Michael Flynn could be susceptible to being blackmailed by the Russians. Begging the questions, how many pee tapes do these guys have?

7. Facebook users in Thailand have been blocked from seeing a picture of their king in a crop top. As opposed to America’s brave leader, who, on a weekly basis, proves that if you eat enough KFC and McDonald’s, any top can become a crop top:

8. Scientists have discovered that for some people simply looking at vertical lines may trigger a migraine or seizure. Especially if you’re from Boston:

9. A highly anticipated unauthorized biography of Barack Obama is being released today. The foreword, written by President Trump, starts, “Once upon a time in Kenya…”

10. ‘Godfather’ director Francis Ford Coppola has sent a letter to the top U.S. telecommunications regulator urging support for ‘net neutrality.’ Hopefully they get the picture and he doesn’t have to send them a second message:

February 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Dubai police have summoned a Russian model who posed for a video while dangling from a skyscraper to sign a pledge not to put her life in danger again. That unbelievable story again, someone in Dubai values a woman’s life.

2. The United Arab Emirates announced that it wants to establish a city on Mars by 2117. “You had me at sending Arabs to Mars,” said Trump.

3. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. Although, it seems like some might have ulterior motives:
penguins

4. There are workshops popping up around Germany that teach children how to hold a match and light fires safely. Which explains Germany’s version of Smokey the Bear’s new motto, “Only you can prevent forest fires, but come look how cool this shit is!”

5. According to a new poll, a majority of Trump supporters believe the media is their enemy. So, strike two, Univision.

6. During a town hall in Arkansas Wednesday night, a 7-year-old boy asked Senator Tom Cotton not to cancel PBS Kids so that President Trump can build his wall. Which is ironic, because PBS Kids is where Trump first got the idea to build the wall:
dora

7. In a recent interview Mariah Carey said she’s incapable of living in the real world. So true, the real world can be a scary place, for instance, sometimes you turn on the TV and ‘Glitter’ is on.

8. President Donald Trump said on Thursday he wants to ensure the U.S. nuclear arsenal is at the “top of the pack,” saying the United States has fallen behind in its weapons capacity. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. A businessman travelled around Scotland to register the births of 26 non-existent babies as part of a benefit fraud scheme. Authorities became suspicious when they realized he wasn’t in the NBA.

10. According to a new study, men who don’t exercise regularly have stronger sexual libidos than men who do. Thus, doing the impossible, making me somehow feel worse for Melania.

11. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Her bail hearing will be on Thursday and his funeral will be on Friday.

12. This week, Pope Francis expressed displeasure with the current smartphone culture, proclaiming that texting at the dinner table could lead to war. A comment that seems directed at one, specific person:
trump-tweeting

13. King Salman of Saudi Arabia will visit Indonesia next month, along with his 1,500 person entourage. Finally answering the age-old question, what would it look like if MC Hammer ran a country.

14. According to reports, Fukushima survivors are being urged to return to the nuclear disaster site by the Japanese government despite radiation levels similar to Chernobyl. Although, if they were really affected by the radiation, the government could probably just use a magnet to drawn them back.

15. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Begging the question, if Herbert Raymond McMaster and Jeffery Beauregard Sessions III are in D.C., who’ll be tryin’ to catch dem Duke boys?

16. Before introducing her husband at his rally in Florida, First Lady Melania Trump led the crowd in the Lord’s Prayer. And it really was inspiring, to think that the woman who has lived with Donald Trump for the past 12 years still believes in God.

17. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ McKinnon ordered the sea bass, while Hillary ordered a full investigation into Trump’s ties with Russia.

18. 10,000 men dressed in loin-cothes gathered for the Naked Man Festival in Japan to scramble for a pair of lucky sticks blessed by a priest. Said every man at some point during the day, “Hey, hey, hey, that’s not one of the sticks!”

19. Researchers at the University of Toronto have discovered that only a handful of brain cells are linked to bad memories and they are able to delete single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. Begging the question, can they delete future memories, like, I don’t know, the entirety of the next four years?

20. According to a new study, doctors who feel burned out or overwhelmed by the demands of work are less likely to view their work with patients as a “calling” that has meaning. Does the same hold true if the doctor himself is a burn-out?:trump-doctor

February 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a survey of historians released on Friday, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Franklin D. Roosevelt were ranked as the top three presidents in U.S. history. Said Donald Trump, “I have it on good authority that 1 to 3 million illegal historians voted in that survey.”

2. Russian officials are reportedly compiling a psychological dossier on President Donald Trump for Russian President Vladimir Putin ahead of their first meeting. Much like Trump himself, the dossier will self-destruct.

3. Over the weekend, amid rumors that Disney is interested in making a live-action version of “The Little Mermaid,” actress Lindsay Lohan posted a picture of herself next to Ariel on Instagram. And she would make a great mermaid because she does already have crabs.

4. According to reports, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is pursuing at least three separate probes relating to alleged Russian hacking of the U.S. presidential elections. Said FBI director James Comey, “The first place we’re gonna check for evidence of Russian interference is in Hillary Clinton’s emails.”

5. During his campaign-like rally in Florida on Friday, President Donald Trump said, “I’ m here because I want to be among friends.” And, to that end, a plane ticket to Florida is a lot cheaper than a plane ticket to Russia.

6. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Trump said he picked McMaster because he had one very special quality, he said ‘yes.’

7. According to ‘The Boston Globe,’ when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dined at the White House last week, President Trump made him order the meatloaf. As opposed to Christie’s usual order of meatloaves.

8. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wore a number 46 jersey in Friday night’s NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, an apparent response to the 45th President Donald Trump’s recent tweet that Cuban is “not smart enough to run for president.” “Don’t you mean 47?” said Mike Pence.

9. In a recent interview, the Cleveland Cavalier’s starting point guard, Kyrie Irving, said he believes the earth is flat. Which still makes him more qualified to be Secretary of Education than Betsy DeVos.

10. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ Reporters called it, “a fun, light-hearted meal between two friends,” while Bill called it his “nightmare.”

February 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Which is a nice start, but, as everyone knows, there is only one way to get rid of her for good:

wicked-witch

2. On Thursday, ‘View’ host Whoopi Goldberg invited Tiffany Trump to sit with her at an upcoming fashion show after reports that the First Daughter was shunned by some during New York’s Fashion Week. Upon seeing a picture of Whoopi sitting next to Tiffany, Donald said, “Which one’s Tiffany again?”

3. Scientists at Harvard claim they are only two years away from bringing the woolly mammoth back from extinction. “Ugh, I have to wait a full two years to shoot one?” said a disappointed Don Trump Jr.

4. According to reports, Burger King is in talks to buy Popeye’s. “Well, that’ll cut down on my daily commute,” said Chris Christie.

5. Yesterday, retired Vice Admiral Robert Harward, President Donald Trump’s choice to replace Michael Flynn as national security adviser, reportedly turned down the offer. Because any good Vice Admiral knows not to jump aboard a sinking ship. 

6. According to a new study, firstborn children tend to be the smartest. So here’s a scary thought, Rob Gronkowski has a younger brother.

7. A U.S. appeals court on Thursday struck down a Florida law that barred doctors from asking patients about gun ownership, ruling that the law violated doctors’ right to free speech. Although I still think it’s unprofessional for my urologist to ask me if that’s a gun in my pocket or if I’m just happy to see him.

8. This week, a dashboard camera caught a lost helicopter pilot landing on a highway in Kazakhstan to ask for directions. Unfortunately, if you ask anyone in Kazakhstan how to get out of Kazakhstan the answer is always, “I was hoping you knew.”

9. The Nigerian media claims that a woman recently gave birth to goat after a two-year pregnancy. Immediately after publishing the far-fetched tory, the Nigerian media was given a prominent seat in the White House press room.

10. According to reports, NBC is in talks to revive “American Idol.” And it couldn’t be better timing as Americans have shown how good they are at voting.

11. A tour guide at a Tanzanian game park has been arrested after wrongly translating a tourist’s comments about the country and its people. It is a crime in Tanzania to misrepresent other people’s statements, or, as Sean Spicer calls it, a career.

12. According to a new study, high schools that start at 8:30 a.m. or later see an increase in attendance and graduation rates. And, according to a study conducted by Secretary of Eduction Betsy DeVos, schools that start in the winter see a decrease in bear attacks.

13. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently revealed that they receive about 1.5 million calls from constituents a day. A number that I’m sure Schumer picked for no reason whatsoever:

trump-1-5

14. According to TMZ, actor George Clooney and his wife Amal are pregnant with twins. Begging the question, is Beyonce gonna have to cut a bitch?

15. The Forest Green Rovers, dubbed the ‘greenest’ soccer club in the world, are planning to build a sustainable, eco-friendly stadium with a small carbon footprint made entirely out of wood. I never thought I’d say this, but can we talk more about soccer?

16. According to police, for years inmates at a medium-security Atlanta prison have been escaping, going into town to buy supplies and sneaking back into jail. Begging the question, how shitty is Atlanta that a bunch of inmates broke out, looked around and decided to voluntarily return to prison?