March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

August 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. An 87-year-old nudist is running for sheriff of a small town in Washington state. And, if he wins, I’m guessing it’s gonna become a much smaller town.

2. A man in New Zealand whose pregnant girlfriend threw a knife at him so hard that it became lodged in his skull told reporters that he was confident their relationship would continue. When asked why he was so confident about the longevity of the relationship, the man replied, “Because last time I tried to break up with her she threw a knife at my head.”

3. A woman in South Carolina called the police after she caught her son watching porn in the living room. And just think, if she had come home ten minutes later, she would have called the national guard when she saw what he was doing.

4. As of yesterday, more than 60,000 people signed a petition lobbying for Weird Al Yankovic to play the halftime show at the next SuperBowl. Said the NFL, “If we wanted people watching the SuperBowl to laugh we’d make the Broncos play the Seahawks again.”

5. NBA player Greg Oden was arrested in Indiana early Thursday morning on battery charges following an attack on his ex-girlfriend. Looks like someone’s already in mid-season form.

6. A toddler squeezed through the White House gates Thursday evening, causing a brief security lockdown. “Oh good, my playdate is here,” said Biden.

7. A toddler squeezed through the White House gates Thursday evening, causing a brief security lockdown. Add in the kid calling the president “daddy,” and you have Bill Clinton’s recurring nightmare from 1992 through 2000.

8. A new study suggests, teenagers who play video games rated for mature audiences are more likely to act aggressively, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and have unprotected sex. Which may explain why your teenager has been banned from the arcade.

9. This week, three New York City subway trains had to be fumigated after riders spotted bedbugs. Come on, do your job, rats.

10. Construction in Seoul on what would be South Korea’s tallest building has hit a snag following the appearance of a number of mysterious sinkholes. Although there’s a good chance those sinkholes are actually just people tunneling out of North Korea.

11. Cyber security researcher Ruben Santamarta says he has figure out how to hack the satellite communications equipment of passenger jets through their WiFi and inflight entertainment systems. Thanks Ruben, any other things that make terrible experiences somewhat bearable that you’d like to ruin? What are you thoughts on free donuts at jury duty or laughing gas at the dentist’s office? This is why no one likes you.

12. According to a new computer model, hepatitis C may become a “rare” disease in the U.S. in about 20 years. And, in related news, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Lindsay Lohan will all die in 20 years.

13. A ban on drinking tap water in Toledo was lifted early Monday after tests showed that toxins were no longer at dangerous levels. So now residents of Toledo will just have to find a new way to kill themselves.

14. According to campaign finance documents, supporters of a recreational marijuana ballot initiative in Oregon have raised $1 million in their effort to legalize the use of the drug. Said stoners in Oregon, “You know what’s cooler than a million dollars? My hand, look at this thing, it’s crazy”

15. According to an upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Joe Biden frequently goes skinny-dipping. Which is why I think we can all agree that Chris Christie is presidential, and not vice presidential, material.

16. A lawmaker in Ohio is set to introduce legislation that will create a specialty license plate celebrating LeBron James’ return to Cleveland. Begging the question, when LeBron leaves for Los Angeles in two years, how do you burn a license plate.

17. Toronto Mayor Rod Ford is in trouble again after accidentally showing the phone numbers of his supporters in a new campaign ad. Said his supporters, “Even though he gave our numbers out to millions of people, I pretty sure I know who keeps calling at 4 AM asking to ‘party.’”

18. Ohio animal control officers were working on Tuesday to find homes for approximately 300 pet rats removed from a studio apartment. The least surprising part of that story being that the guy who had 300 pet rats lived in a studio apartment.