Tag Archives: Medal of Honor

June 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. But, since Putin already got him the election, he just sent a card.

2. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That story again, Donald Trump was born 71 years ago today just in case there are any time travelers out there who were wondering.

3. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. “Getting closer,” said Melania:

4. According to reports, Russian hackers infiltrated voter databases in 39 states during the 2016 presidential election. Which means, in the run up to the election, even the Russians visited more states than Hillary.

5. A self-proclaimed psychic tricked a 23-year-old grad student into paying her $2,500 to lift a curse from her family. But, in the student’s defense, $2,500 to get rid of Eric is a pretty sweet deal:

6. On Tuesday, the Clemson Tigers visited the White House four months after winning the college football championship. I’m not sure why it took four months for them to visit the White House, but, if history is any guide, I’d guess because they’re married to the president:

7. Despite losing, LeBron James became the first player in NBA history to average a triple-double in the Finals. Not to be outdone, his teammates somehow managed to become the first player to average negative points.

8. Despite saying privacy was important to them, 98% of college students polled gladly gave up their friend’s contact information in exchange for free pizza. So, hey friends, get ready for some creepy late night texts:

9. Vietnam vet James McCloughan will be the first person awarded the Medal of Honor by President Trump. Unless of course Trump’s bone spurs act up again.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin made an appearance Monday at the opening of the controversial staging of ‘Julius Caesar’ at New York’s Shakespeare in the Park. Not to be outdone, brother Stephen Baldwin made an appearance at the opening of an Orange Julius in Reseda.

May 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A Chinese businessman has reportedly spent $8 million to hire a Japanese porn star to be his personal assistant for the next fifteen years. Funny story about the first time he asked her to ‘take a dictation.’

2. According to reports, 250,000 Americans are married to people who are their second cousins or closer. But, on the plus side, there’s no need for a family dog since all their kids have tails.

3. Bristol Palin has called off her wedding to 2011 Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer less than a week before the big day. Proving that quitting on things mid-stream runs in the family.

4. A surprising number of small companies around the world are vying to be the first to bring flying cars to the market, targeting the year 2017. Which means, in just two years, you may here the phrase, “It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s a Nissan Altima.”

5. On Tuesday, FIFA chief Sepp Blatter proposed a peace soccer match between Palestine and Israel. Because if there’s on thing soccer fans are known for it’s their level headedness.

6. A new survey found that Washington D.C. is the fittest city in the United States. The least fit city, wherever Chris Christie is campaigning that day.

7. Brain-eating amoebas have been discovered in the tap water of the city of New Orleans. Say what you will, but you gotta give it up to water for finding new and creative ways to kill the people of New Orleans.

8. 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is heavily courting the millennial vote. Which explains why she recently opened up a Facebook account and immediately changed her relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”

9. Last week, the stock price of Netflix rose to over $600 per share. Which is just $575 more than what it costs to open a Blockbuster franchise today.

10. Google will begin testing self-driving cars on public roads, but, despite previous reports, those cars will have steering wheels and brakes. Or, as Billy Joel refers to them, add-ons.

March 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The Milwaukee Brewers have banned their players from high-fifing each other to prevent the spread of a pink-eye outbreak. Despite appearances, the New York Mets haven’t banned high fives, they just haven’t had any reason to celebrate.

2. Atlanta megachurch pastor Creflo Dollar is asking his congregation to sow $300 or more per person to help him achieve his goal of purchasing a private plane. Said Creflo, “It will make the perfect getaway vehicle for when I steal the rest of your money.”

3. Over the weekend Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol got engaged to Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer. Which can only mean one thing, Bristol’s pregnant again.

4. Yesterday, New York real estate heir and focus of HBO’s docu-series “The Jinx,” Robert Durst was arrested for a murder that happened more than 14 years ago. “The police can do that!?!” said O.J.

5. On Sunday, in response to the upcoming documentary film about Scientology, the church released a letter calling the movie a “bogus propaganda piece” that has “at least one major error every two minutes.” Which means the upcoming Brian Williams bio-pic will have to come up with a new tag line.

6. CNN is set to air an exclusive interview with Britain’s Prince Charles this week. So if you’re interested in watching an out-of-touch and behind the times institution that no longer serves a relevant purpose, it will be interviewing Prince Charles this week.

7. The men’s 20 kilometers race walk record was broken on Sunday when Japan’s Yusuke Suzuki set a new record at the Asian Race Walking Championships. That record was immediately broken by all the disinterested spectators trying to get as far away from the Asian Race Walking Championships as possible.

8. Pope Francis announced on Friday that he is convoking a jubilee year to be called the Holy Year which will focus on the topic of mercy. This stands in stark contrast to last year’s theme of getting revenge on all your enemies.

9. The Norwegian Arctic islands of Svalbard are discouraging last-minute visitors for a rare solar eclipse next week, warning that hotels are full, it will be freezing cold and polar bears are on the prowl. But, if polar bears are on the prowl, shouldn’t there be some hotel openings?

10. BlackBerry said on Saturday it will be launching a new high-security tablet. Hackers will be unable to get anyone’s personal information off the BlackBerry’s high-security tablet because no one will buy one.

October 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, a Florida man broke the record for the biggest and most expensive Starbucks drink by ordering a 101-shot latte that cost him $83.75. Even more impressive, he set the same record in California the next day and got there by running.

2. The FTC on Thursday fined UK-based JDI Dating for using fake computer generated profiles to trick users into upgrading to paid memberships online. Officials became suspicious when all the people in the fake profile pictures had good teeth.

3. On Thursday, police in Alabama found a suspected drug dealer who has hiding in tall grass near his home thanks to the man’s dog whose tail could be seen wagging enthusiastically above the weeds. Said the man, “Zoinks!”

4. On Wednesday, an unmanned spaceship loaded with supplies and destined for the International Space Station, exploded seconds after lift off. Officials in charge are confident that the next launch will go off without a hitch as they are currently training their rocket to think about baseball.

5. The government of Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. Although, judging by the Hispanic families I’ve seen, that’s still probably a lot of children.

6. Former President George W. Bush will be going on a promotional tour for his new book “41.” Bush said he is excited to finally see what the inside of a book store looks like.

7. The embattled police chief of Ferguson, Missouri, told CNN on Thursday that he has no intention of stepping down. Although he does plan on doing a lot of ducking.

8. On Thursday, Apple CEO Tim Cook publicly acknowledged for the first time that he is gay. What are the odds that the Apple CEO who was obsessed with design and constantly wore turtlenecks wouldn’t be the gay one.

9. According to a new analysis, the greatest impact in curbing the spread of Ebola in West Africa would come from insuring safe burials for all victims. As a result, the next “Weekend at Bernie’s,” “Bernie Does Africa” has been cancelled.

10. A group of Florida police officers had to call in a prisoner transport van while arresting a 500 pound man because he was too large to fit into a standard patrol car. Officials say if he is ultimately found guilty he may be sentenced to the electric sofa.

11. Nestle will enlist a thousand humanoid robots to sell its coffee makers at electronics stores across Japan. Or, as it’s being reported in the robot world, humans forcing us to sell our friends.

12. A U.S. Department of Homeland Security official who ran an investigation of the prostitution scandal involving Secret Service agents in Columbia in 2012 resigned after he was suspected of visiting a prostitute in Florida. So either he’s a hypocrite or really dedicated to that investigation.

13. The University of North Carolina said on Wednesday that students will now be prohibited from traveling to Africa over Ebola-related fears. But, on the plus-side, UNC students will no longer have to have that awkward conversation explaining to Africans what a Tarheel is.

14. The presidents of Israel and Poland took a joint guided tour of a new museum of Jewish life on Tuesday that highlighted Poland’s flourishing Jewish community before World War II. Although the tour became a little awkward right at the beginning and then all the way until the end.

15. A pristine copy of Action Comics No. 1, containing the origin story of Superman, which sold for more than $3.2 million, has been scanned online and is free for anyone to read. I can’t imagine anyone online would be interested in such a thing … oh it broke the the internet?

16. Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Dallas, but has been given a clean bill of health, met with and hugged President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office. “Yeah, that one’s on us,” said the Secret Service.

17. A Senator from Oregon supports recreational marijuana use and will vote “yes” on a state initiative next week that would legalize it. The weed will undoubtedly ease the pain of everyone’s family and oxen dying of dysentery on the way to Oregon.

18. President Obama will award a Civil War officer the Medal of Honor, the highest U.S. award for bravery, 151 years after he was killed at the Battle of Gettysburg. Said Obama, “Just checking again, which side did he fight for?”

19. Walmart has come under fire for a section on its website they labeled “Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.” Walmart apologized for its mistake and changed the title to “Slutty Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.”

20. PGA of America President Ted Bishop was removed from office on last week for “insensitive gender-biased statements” he posted on social media. Now comes the hard part, finding another old white guy who loves golf to replace him.

August 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie secretly got married over the weekend in France. Reportedly, for their “something borrowed” they adopted another kid.

2. On Thursday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league has established a six-game suspension for all incidents of domestic violence, with a second violation triggering a lifetime ban. “Well, there goes my comeback,” said O.J.

3. A 1962-63 Ferrari GTO Berlinetta was sold in California on Thursday for $38,000,000. The transaction set two records, the most money every paid for a car at auction and smallest penis.

4. The California State Senate gave final legislative approval on Thursday to a bill that would require certain replica guns to be painted bright colors or made transparent to prevent police from confusing toy guns for real weapons. “That must be what he had, one of those transparent, invisible guns,” said Ferguson police.

5. A suggestion by Singapore’s public housing authority that owners of noisy dogs consider “debarking” their pets, which involves removing a section of the dog’s vocal cord, to avoid inconveniencing neighbors has been met with ire. Said one local dog lovers’ group, “It’s inhumane to remove a dog’s vocal cord, that’s the tastiest part.”

6. Rapper and former Fugees member Pras is headed to North Korea today to watch a wrestling match hosted by a Japanese politician. Pras is very popular in North Korea, or, as they call him there, Dennis Rodman.

7. ESPN said on Wednesday that it regrets a report that detailed the showering habits of openly gay St. Louis Rams rookie Michael Sam. Said Sam’s teammates, “It’s not a big deal. You have to remember we’re all professional football players, we’re used to this sort of thing, we’ve been to jail.”

8. On Tuesday, the White House announced that 151 years after his service in the Civil War, 1st Lt. Alonzo H. Cushing will receive the Medal of Honor posthumously. This selection sets two records, longest period of time between service and recognition and shortest acceptance speech.

9. According to a recent poll taken in Iowa, Mitt Romney is the current front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016. Political experts stress that the results of this poll should be taken with a grain of salt as the people who took the poll also thought it would be a good idea to live in Iowa.

10. On Wednesday, NBA head coach Doc Rivers agreed to a five-year contract extension with the Los Angeles Clippers. Said Donald Sterling, “Well, at least he’s a doctor.”

11. The maker of the popular Grand Theft Auto video game said Lindsay Lohan’s lawsuit accusing it of basing a character on her without her permission is frivolous and an effort by the actress to attract attention. Said Lohan, “That’s only a half-truth, I also need money.”

12. Yesterday, Apple invited media to a “special event” on September 9, where the company is expected to unveil the latest version of its iPhone. Look Siri, it’s not you, it’s me.

13. Following more than a dozen injuries, Johnson & Johnson is recalling many of its jaw implants. Said Luis Saurez, “I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m just an asshole.”

14. Two Australian farmers say that they have found the world’s wooliest sheep, whose estimated 55 pound coat would shatter the world record. Or maybe it’s just a really sly, fat wolf.

15. More than 1,000 people were pulled out of the water and off the beach Monday after a great white shark was spotted off the coast of Duxbury, Massachusetts. The evacuation took longer than expected because people were initially confused as to what a “wicked shack” was.