March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

February 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night the Denver Broncos won the Superbowl and, on the sidelines right after the game, Papa John gave winning quarterback Peyton Manning a kiss. Which, I guess, explains why we’ve never met Mama John.

2. Last night, the concession stands at Superbowl 50 were selling beers for $13 and bottled water for $7. But, considering the game was played in California, $7 for water seems like a pretty good deal.

3. At least two women have been kicked off of Tinder after using the mobile dating app to campaign for Bernie Sanders. Which is unfair, since most people who use the app end up feeling the burn, especially when they’re peeing.

4. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump shh-ed Jeb Bush. But, in Trump’s defense, he just didn’t want Jeb to wake Ben Carson.

5. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. She revealed this information when asked by a Verizon sales rep why she needed to change her phone number.

6. A California company has created a marijuana-based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual cramps. So now you’ll no longer have to hot-box it.

7. A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting 130 pencils into his mouth. And, although the pencils did not start out that way, they eventually became number 2s.

8. The Turkish army has confiscated over 700 parrots trying to be smuggling into the country from war-torn Syria. Immigration officials became suspicious when every question they asked was repeated back to them.

9. Fifteen cars parked on an iced-over Geneva Lake in the Wisconsin for a Winterfest celebration on Saturday, fell into the frigid waters after the ice broke. Marking the first time anyone has ever looked ‘cool’ in a Kia Sorento.

10. According to a new poll of Harry Potter fans, the most popular spell used in the series is the Expecto Patronum spell, which protects the speaker from the dark arts. If spoken, the spell will also protect the speaker from having sex until they’re 38.

May 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Officials temporarily locked down the White House late Thursday afternoon due to a security breach at a street entrance. No word on whether it was someone trying to break in or President Obama trying to sneak out.

2. Attendees at a Utah wedding on Saturday were shocked to see a 60-year-old woman and a 56-year-old man engaging in sex acts on the church lawn during the ceremony. But, in their defense, the couple was the bride’s “something old” and were working on the “something new.”

3. Attendees at a Utah wedding on Saturday were shocked to see a 60-year-old woman and a 56-year-old man engaging in sex acts on the church lawn during the ceremony. Even worse, the presence of the Holy Ghost meant that it was a threesome.

4. According to a congressional aide, the majority of seats on a new committee investigating the 2012 Benghazi attacks will be held by Republicans. And, to save time, the committee will hold all meetings in Hillary Clinton’s office.

5. Yesterday, Oklahoma City forward Kevin Durant was awarded the NBA’s top honor taking home the Kia MVP trophy. Because nothing says “being the best in your chosen field” like Kia.

6. According to World Health Organization data, American women are more likely to die in childbirth than they were two decades ago. “That’s why you gotta go on the offensive,” said Casey Anthony.

7. A man in Georgia robbed a Waffle House with a pitchfork earlier this week. Interesting idea to bring a pitchfork to a Waffle House, or, as Chris Christie refers to it, a lifehack.

8. According to a new poll, Wal-Mart is the most popular store in the country. While, unsurprisingly, Wal-Mart customers once again finished dead-last in the Most Attractive and Most Likely to Succeed superlatives.

9. The New York Jets on Tuesday became the fourth NFL team to be sued by former cheerleaders claiming wage theft and labor law violations. They are also claiming that being forced to cheer for the Jets qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

10. On Monday night, President Obama held a Cinco de Mayo party at the White House. Or, as the INS referred to it, a trap.