December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

February 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, ESPN reported that the NBA is exploring the possibility of expanding the dimensions of the basketball court to accommodate the increased size and athleticism of players. “How about lowering the rim,” said the Knicks.

2. The lead singer of a heavy metal Christian rock band pleaded guilty in California on Tuesday to a charge of soliciting an undercover detective posing as a hit man to kill his estranged wife. Said the man, “This is terrible and embarrassing, I don’t want my family and friends knowing I’m in a Christian rock band.”

3. A day after Uganda passed harsh anti-gay laws, a tabloid newspaper has come out with a list of what it calls the country’s top homosexuals. We have a similar list here in America, but we call it Hollywood’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

4. Yesterday, Jimmy Kimmel and wife Molly McNearney announced they are expecting their first child together. I’m calling bullshit. I’m not getting fooled by another Kimmel prank. I doubt they’re even married.

5. Organizers for the 2014 Conservative Political Action Conference have decided to not allow American Atheists to have an exhibition booth at this year’s conservative conference. Said a representative for American Atheists, “Although the decision is disappointing, we are fairly confident that even without our presence, those who decide to attend will walk away from the Conference confident that there is no God.”

6. According to sources, Debbie Dingell, the wife of retiring Democratic Representative John Dingell, will announce on Friday that she intends to run for his vacated Congressional seat. And, with any luck, she’ll find a running-mate with the last name “Berry.”

7. A new study suggests, handling receipts may increase the body’s levels of a chemical that has been linked to reproductive and neurological problems. But, on the plus side, with all the shopping she’s done in her lifetime, there’s a good chance Paris Hilton is barren.

8. According to statistics, more than a third of U.S. adults and 17 percent of kids and teens are obese. Researchers say we can lower those stats by getting rid of Louisiana.

9. Medical advisors are considering whether to allow human studies of a controversial procedure known as “three-parent in vitro fertilization,” that could prevent horrific genetic defects but also lead to designer babies. “You had me at ‘designer babies,’” said Angelina Jolie.

10. According to reports, R&B singer Robin Thicke and actress Paula Patton have separated after eight years of marriage. Said Patton, “I just can’t be with someone who can’t think of something that rhymes with ‘hug me.'”